Dreamed of adoption... now the dream has been shattered

So much better.....

2011-04-16T20:49:00.000-04:00

WOW I can't believe it has been a year since my nightmare started. So much has changed and for the better for me. I am still separated. But I am feeling good about myself now. I have lost 60 pounds so far :) YAY ME!!! I am working again finally, and have been for about 6 months now :) I am talking to someone. He makes me very happy. I don't know what it is about him but I feel as I have known him for years. I am just waiting for the punch in the gut because things seem to good to be true. I feel like I am on cloud 9!!! I am really scared though. After going through everything I have the past 11 months I am so scared of being hurt again. I have finally come to peace with what has happened. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am pleased about where it is now and where I hope it to lead.

today is part 1......

2010-07-01T10:47:00.000-04:00

Well its been said I didn't have proof for adultery.... well as of right now I have plenty of proof.... they are right now signing a lease for an apartment. I have been threatened to leave "her man" alone... well ummm he is MY HUSBAND!!!! We are only separating for now, he knows it won't work out between them, he is still seeing me, and we know she is still seeing at least 2 other men. A lot of people are thinking this is Greg's "mid life crisis", and one day he will wake up and realize this and want to come back to me where he belongs. He keeps telling me he loves me, he cares about me, he wants to help me in ANY way I need help. This is just a totally messed up situation and I sure wish the whore would follow through with her threats and go back to mrytle beach, where she has yet another man. I just don't think Greg understands everything he is throwing away... not only with me but also with our God daughter.... he will NOT see her anymore if the whore is around. Kaylee cries and whines wanting her "uncle Greg", and its up to me to explain to her that he isn't here, I have tried to tell her he is working and she said "no he not".... She has said other things about him that totally tear me apart.... she may only be 3 years old, but she understands so much more than we give her credit for.

moving......

2010-06-27T13:45:00.000-04:00

So I will be moving into an apartment in about 3 weeks.... Greg is moving out next weekend. He promises to keep in touch, he will come see me, and call me and help me in any way he can. He has said that the other woman can't and won't keep him away from me. This is so hard on me, but I do look forward to our time together. After talking to Greg while he was here for 2 days, I am very hopeful that this will only be temporary, that one day soon we will be totally back together again. I do still love him, and he tells me he still loves me. Before he left yesterday morning, he held me close in his arms.... kissed me, hugged me and told me he will always love me. I just wish I totally understood what he is feeling and thinking. He held me so long like he didn't want to let me go, it felt so good. I know next weekend will be the hardest, when he moves his things out of the house, but I am also thinking and remembering everything he has said to me recently. I KNOW we will be back together fully.... its just a matter of time... and that is what I am holding onto right now.

changes......

2010-06-20T07:47:00.001-04:00

Greg and I are now separating. He is having an affair with someone he works with, I have plenty of proof, and have talked to a lawyer. He has been staying here with me, having marital relations with me, and then going to see her and have an affair. They have been staying at a hotel not in the state in order to try to avoid being found out. This is all coming out of his mouth. He wants us BOTH!!!! the lawyer has advised me on what I need to do, and I plan on carrying out everything that was told to me. We have agreed on everything, so its only a matter of getting the paperwork in the courts and signing them. I am now in the process of looking for a job, and looking for an apartment for me and the dog. Please keep the prayers coming..... somewhere out there is a man just waiting on me.

where are you???? LOTS of updates.

2010-04-10T13:59:00.003-04:00

WOW I can't believe I have been away from blogging for so long!! So much has been going on, I honestly haven't had time to do much of anything. I continue to watch Kaylee during the week, plus I am also working a second shift job that we work anywhere between 8 and 10 hours a night. I have also reconnected to several of my cousins :) We are planning a reunion on August and I am so excited about it. Our God daughter Kaylee is going to be a BIG sister!!!!! baby is due in August :) I do continue to check in on several blogs, although I don't always have time to comment. I started working in January, and there are already talks of us getting laid off within the next few months. From what I hear they are starting to do this next week. If I get laid off again, I am going to seriously look into doing daycare in my home. I do update more often on facebook though, even if I don't have time to blog. There are so many things I want to do, so many things I need to do. My first priority I want to do is start looking for a new home church. I really enjoy the church I have gone to for years, but with the price of gas, and the church being a 30 minute drive, its time to start looking around again. I have noticed personally when I am actively going to church and in church activities my life seems so much better. I am happier, and have such a sense of personal growth and well being. I have in the past few years started to push God out of my life, and I realize now I not only need him in my life, but I desperately want him in my life and heart again. There has also been the problem of my weight that has been a burden in many ways in my life. I am doing a lot of research and talking to people about getting the lap-band surgery in order to help me. so if anyone has any advice or has had that done, please either leave a comment, or email me, or even look me up on facebook and let me know anything and everything you know about this. I really need to start updating my blog more....

On this day many moons ago... REPOST

2010-03-16T14:22:00.001-04:00

Here we are again, another year. My mom would tell me the story of when I was born each and every year. Oh how I wish I could hear it one more time from her. Each year it was the same... It all started March 15, 1973 at around 530 AM. mom woke up having slight contractions, her mother ( my grandma) was visiting them waiting on the birth. Dad always told everyone they were having a little blonde hair blue eyed little girl. Everyone told dad he was wrong, the way mom was carrying the child, it was a boy. Mom got up, and started cleaning house. Made breakfast and lunch for everyone. Out in the back yard their dog was also delivering puppies under the shed. Dad didn't go to work that day. At around 4pm the contractions started getting stronger and more frequent so they called the Dr, who told them to go ahead and head to the hospital. Everyone got their showers and got ready. They prepared and ate a nice steak dinner. After dinner was done, and dishes were washed and put away dad went out to the shed to check on the pups. He brought them and momma in the house. Being the middle of March it was very cold outside still. At around 930 PM the all got ready and went to the hospital. The nurses told dad and grandma they may want to go home and get some rest, that the baby would not be delivered until sometime the next day. Mom told them she was not going to lay there all night having these contractions all night, the baby would be delivered soon. The nurses laughed at her, she was a first time mom, what did she know??? At 12 47 AM on March 16th a tiny little girl was born. Dad carried the baby out to the waiting room to show her off. Everyone asked how "he" was. Dad smiled wide and told them " She is doing great. I got my blonde hair blue eyed baby girl". They didn't believe him at all, dad was known as a jokester. They all had to see for themselves.. sure enough a blonde hair, blue eyed baby girl weighing 5 pounds and 12 ounces and 19 inches long was finally here, she was due the end of February. They named her Veronica Michelle.

This was the pregnancy that had to be hidden for many months. Mom was in nursing school, soon to graduate. Students were not allowed to have children. She was able to hide it until right after she took the Maryland State Boards exam and passed.( the other students knew, and then the state picked one topic to test on, that year it just happened to be on OB/GYN, mom had the answers sitting right there with her)

Annual Memorial Service for Families of Deceased Children

2009-12-10T07:39:00.003-05:00

Its that time of year again. The annual memorial service for families of deceased children. It is hard to believe dad started this back in 1990. Although my parents have never lost a child themselves,Dad did loose a little brother at a very young age. Way back in 1990 a co-worker of dads asked if he knew of any place that had a memorial service for families who have lost children. She went to a service sponsored my Hospice, and it just didn't feel right to her. She sat next to a person who lost their 90 year old father. The grieving is so much different when you loose a child. Dad looked everywhere he could think of and couldn't find one. He then talked to mom and they agreed to have one. That first year there were about 20 people total at the service. What was planned on being a one time thing has grown over the years. It is always held the second Thursday of December. Now there are usually over 200 people attending the service. Dad and mom never knew at that time that the service would also benefit their children. Tonight as I light the memorial candle for dad, and place my kids ornaments on the memorial tree I will be celebrating the holidays with each of them. I will also be thinking about all the other Children who will have an ornament on that tree, and so many other children who have died way before their time.

my first NOT ME MONDAY

2009-10-12T16:27:00.003-04:00

Not Me Monday was created my McMama. Since I am a innocent of all bad doing.. this is my first time participating. Yes that was sarcasm lol. This is where I share all of the things I did NOT do... because seriously, some things are just to embarrassing to share. So here lets get started...

I most certainly did NOT try to figure out a way to not go to the unemployment seminar this week because I just KNEW it would be so boring... only to find out that because I did go, they are going to pay for me to go to classes so I can find work.

I did NOT let Kaylee nap for 3 hours one day because I just needed a little break and a nap myself. If she sleeps to long for a nap I know she won't go to bed at night for her parents, and that would be rude.

I did NOT start thinking about taking out Christmas decorations... we all know it is way to early... and because I did not think about that, I just took out the Halloween decorations and other fall decorations.

I did NOT take some of the toys and put them up and out of sight because I am tired of falling over them all the time... and after I didn't put them up it didn't seem like she still has a million toys all over the floor ALL DAY LONG!!

I did NOT laugh at Greg when he opened his dinner last night that I bought from a fundraiser... grilled chicken, baked beans, cole sole and a roll... when flipped the lid open and water built up from steam ( yes it was cooled off) flew up and hit him in the face.. that wouldn't be funny and what kind of wife would I be if I laughed after he laughed.

I most certainly did NOT skip cleaning house and doing laundry so I could sit and watch football and nascar on a Sunday..

WOW thats it.. that is what I did NOT do this week... that was fun :)

True Story Tuesday-- A memorial for dad

2009-09-08T15:54:00.006-04:00

Its True Story Tuesday time. This is brought to you courtesy of Rachel and Mr. Daddy . So after you read this, you can head over there and read more amazing stories.

I know its been a while since I last had a post, but I couldn't and wouldn't let this day go by without posting. On this day, just 5 short years ago, the most amazing man earned his angel wings. I was honored to be able to call him DAD. So in honor of him and a tribute to him this true story will be all about him.

I have posted before about the work he did for families who have lost children. I have posted about the many things he has done for our family. For those who are new to my blog. Here are 2 links of what his calling was. I know there were more articles in the paper, but after searching for a while I couldn't find them.

http://www.fredericknewspost.com/sections/archives/display_detail.htm?StoryID=22865

http://www.fredericknewspost.com/sections/archives/display_detail.htm?StoryID=76562

Dad always put others before himself. In everything he did. When I was in high school, our church had a youth softball team. We would play against other churches in the area. I didn't want to play softball in my high school for many reasons. My sophomore year, our youth group was told we wouldn't have softball because we didn't have a coach. After talking to dad he agreed to coach the team, and he was the coach until after I graduated. Dad worked full time, often putting in a lot of overtime, but he always had time to do things for my brother and I. When it was time for me to get my learners permit to drive, he took me to MVA, and let me drive the car back to school. He would help my brother and I in sports whenever he could. He was always there to listen when we wanted to talk. He was always there to discipline us, when we did something wrong.

When dad was diagnosed with cancer on July 18, 2004, he was ready to fight it head on. He was ready to start chemo and radiation treatments in order to beat the monster. Due to many reasons treatment was always put off. He was tranfered to another hospital a week after he was diagnosed. He stayed there for a week, and was discharged. This was a shock to everyone. We had no idea what was going on. We were told they would call to make an appointment with another doctor in a few days. On the day of the appointment, when we were all ready to head out the door to go there, the phone rang, we were told the appointment was canceled. They didn't tell us why. Mom had to call the first oncologist that saw him at the local hospital. It was while she was on the phone, she began to cry, writing things on paper... I can still remember some of the things she was writing.. " 3-6 months".... " hospice"... "terminal".... when she got off the phone, it was her that had to tell dad and the rest of us that indeed dad was terminal, they gave him 3-6 months to live, and hospice would be called in. The cancer started in July, on the 18th it was the size of a pea. By the 21st it was the size of a baseball. There was nothing that could be done in order to save his life. Once we all talked as a family, dads first concern was the memorial service he coordinated for families of deceased children. As soon as he knew our church would make sure the service would continue he was at some peace. Then he was ready to help make his funeral arrangements. On Saturday Sept. 4, 2004 we all went to the funeral home.By this time dad was in a motorized wheelchair. It seemed strange to be there, it still seemed so unreal, it couldn't be happening to our family. My brother and I went through and put all the price's on the caskets down so he couldn't see them. He was able to pick out the exact one he wanted. He was able to talk to them about what he wanted his obituary to say. When we were done there, we had to head to the cemetery. Dad wanted to pick out where he would be laid to rest. Dad was awake enough to talk to everyone. He went to the front of the cemetery, close to the road. He got our of the wheelchair, laid on the ground, put his hands across his stomach. He decided that was where he wanted to be, he would be in the shade during the summer, have a nice mountain view in front of him, and can watch the traffic going by. He said the only thing wrong with that, is in his view of the mountain there was a street sign. He said he would take care of that once he got there and no one was watching. Everyone started laughing. When asked how he planned on getting up off the ground he said " I didn't think of that". The people at the cemetery were in shock, they have never seen anyone do that before. But with dad, he tried to make light a very heavy heartache. He wanted to make people laugh. He didn't want anyone to cry or be sad. When we finished there, everything was complete. We went back to their house. Dad said he was in pain and wanted something. This was the first time he said he was in pain. He took some medicine, and went to lay down. That was the last time dad was able to get out of bed. We had friends and family come in over the next 2 days. Dad spent his time sleeping. I would help mom take care of him with his bathing, feeding, and drinking. On Sunday he said his last words, he was no longer able to speak, he was always sleeping. Monday Sept. 6, things started to drastically change, and it went down hill from there. While I was in the room with him, when he was somewhat awake, he would look up to the ceiling, and talk, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. His eyes would light up and a smile would go across his face. On Tuesday evening we knew the end was getting closer. My brother and I stayed at the house with mom and grandma. About 7pm, dad was fighting his cpap machine, so we all agreed to let mom take that away. At midnight, the rattle became very loud. Mom asked us all if we agreed to let her give dad more meds for the pain. We all agreed. After she gave dad the meds, we all went to the kitchen table. Mom, Grandma, my brother and I. We spent the next few hours talking and laughing, sharing our memories of dad. Mom and I each took turns going in and checking dad. Seeing if there was anything we could do. At 425 AM I went out on the deck to smoke a cigg. I had to look all around and even at my cigg. I could smell dads ciggs. that he smoked. At 430 AM, while I was still on the deck, my brother went back to check dad, we couldn't hear dad breathing... He came out of the room and said " Its over". On September 8, 2004 at 430 AM my dad earned his angel wings. He is missed by so many people, he did so much for so many people and so many families. He is now in heaven with all those children who have passed away, he already knew their families, and now he is with the children, He is with his grandchildren that I lost in May 2002. FLY HIGH DAD!! We Miss you and WE Love you!
I am happy to say, that the church has continued this service for families of deceased children each and every year.
Mr. James Witmer

James V. Witmer, 56, of Frederick, died Wednesday, Sept. 8 at his home. He was the husband of Betty J. Vincent Witmer.

Born Dec. 9, 1947 in Baltimore, he was the son of the late William R. Witmer and Juanita Vinson.

He was employed by the state of Maryland as an aide in the nursing department of Springfield Hospital for 30 years.

Mr. Witmer was an active and long time member of the Brook Hill United Methodist Church where he founded and coordinated the "Interfaith Children's Memorial Service." He was a member of the Sykesville Vol. Fire Company, Knights of Columbus and the Moose Lodge.

In addition to his wife Betty, he is survived by a mother-in-law, Emma Vincent; one son, James W. Witmer and wife Denise of Mount Airy; one daughter, Veronica Scott and husband Gregory of Hagerstown. He is also survived by two brothers, William Witmer of Mass. and Robert Witmer of Texas.

He was preceded in death by a sister Carolyn Witmer.

The family will receive friends at the Stauffer Funeral Home, 1621 Opossumtown Pike, Frederick on Friday, Sept. 10 from 2-4 and 7-9 p.m. Funeral services will be on Saturday, Sept. 11 at 10 a.m. at the Brook Hill United Methodist Church, 8946 Indian Springs Road, Frederick with the Rev. Dr. Conrad O. Link and Associate Pastor Linda Warehime officiating.

Burial will be in the Brook Hill United Methodist Church Cemetery.

Flowers or memorial contributions may be made to the Brook Hill United Methodist Church, Attn. Interfaith Children's Memorial Service Fund at 8946 Indian Springs Road, Frederick, Md. 21702.

True Story Tuesday -- On the wings of a Snow White Dove

2009-08-04T17:24:00.007-04:00

This looked like fun so I thought I would join in. This is brought to you courtesy of Rachel and Mr. Daddy . So after you read this, you can head over there and read more amazing stories.

In September 1996 Greg's grandmother was admitted to the hospital. She was very sick and no one knew what would happen. When we got the phone call we hurried home, packed some clothes and headed to South Carolina to be closer to her and the rest of the family. We left during the night, stopping at different places along the way to get food, drinks, gas, and to use the restrooms. When we finally got to his grandmothers house ( where we were staying) where his aunt and 2 cousins also lived, we unloaded the car, and took a shower before heading to the hospital. Now before this I only met his grandmother a few times, but we were already really close. We got to the hospital, she was in ICU. After visiting for our allowed 15 minutes, Greg, a few of his relatives, and I went outside to smoke a cigarette and talk. I was NOT prepared for what I saw in that hospital room. She was hooked up to so many different machines and most I had no idea what they were for. Momma ( as we called her) looked horrible. While we were outside, the shock of what I saw hit me... I passed out... the left side of my face slid down the brick wall. Greg got really scared, and started shaking me because I was still unconscious, little did he know, while he was doing that, he was banging the back of my head against the brick wall. and YES we laugh about that now. Anyhow.... after that, we all thought ( myself included) that I would not enter that room again, it was just to much for me to handle. The next day we got up in the morning, and while we were eating breakfast, the phone rang... it was the Dr at the hospital and he wanted to speak to the family and asked us to come down later in the day. We all get to the hospital and the Dr. asks us to all come into the chapel which was located right outside the ICU area. This was a room we were all familiar with as we all spent many hours in this room. The Dr told us the only thing keeping momma with us was the respirator. He didn't think momma was going to pull threw this. He told us he would give us some time, but he needed to know what we felt he should do. After spending a few more minutes with us, he left the room. Right away the family all agreed that momma wouldn't want to live like she was, and we all decided to allow them to turn off the respirator. We were to meet with the Dr the next day and let him know what we wanted. The family went in one by one to say their good byes ( except me). The next morning, while everyone was getting ready to head to the hospital, I was sitting on the back porch with Greg, a few of his aunts, his mother, and his uncle. The children ( his cousins) were out in the yard playing. I sat there praying for a sign from God that what we were doing was the right thing, that momma would be ok. Just then... at that very moment I looked up... toward Heaven... and sitting there on the edge of the roof was a dove... a dove as white as the snow. I pointed this out to everyone else... we were all amazed!!! None of us have ever seen a dove so white. His aunts told us they have never seen a dove at all in that area. His cousins came over to see what we were talking about, they started jumping up and down... and that dove NEVER moved at all. Soon it was time to head to the hospital to talk to the Dr. One of Greg's aunts spoke up and said " Come on... its time to head to Georgetown to see momma and talk to the Dr" the dove spread its wings wide... and flew straight in the direction of the hospital. I believe that was not only my sign, but the families sign, that momma would earn her wings that day, that she would go home to be with our Lord. Later that day, after talking to the Dr. Greg, his aunts and his mother were in the room when they turned off the respirator. Momma lived for a short 20 minutes after that. That was almost 13 years ago... the FIRST time I have ever seen a white dove... and the last time we have seen one. Thank you God for giving the family that sign of your love and protection on that very sad day for my family.

Life Changes in an instant!!!

2009-07-15T13:45:00.003-04:00

We participate in "Pray for Me... Pray for Others" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to add your prayer request. Join a community of friends who care about you, and hope you will care about them.

So I have been busy working... and getting very little sleep. Yesterday while I was getting ready for work, my phone rang... it was Greg. It seems he was called into the office by one of the supervisors and was informed that I may be getting fired. Someone was saying that I jammed up the machine so bad, the whole machine had to be shut down. I was in tears as he was telling me this I know I DIDN'T do it. I was told I had to find out who it was in order to keep my job. As soon as I got to work I started talking to other people. I was in tears talking to everyone. I couldn't believe this was happening. I was in shock!!! I was told my a few people who did it, and I went to another supervisor and told them what I found out. The way they were talking to me, I still may lose my job over it. I don't know anything yet, and may not for a few more days.

I also bought a truck last week that I will be fixing it up for shows... I will include pics of what it looks like now... I still have a little work to do on it though.

Life right now seems like a roller coaster... one I want off of... I want a ride on the lazy river for a while.... I want everything to run smooth....

busy busy busy

2009-07-14T16:10:00.001-04:00

I know its been a while since I have posted... so much is going on here... look for a new post soon... I HOPE to have one done and ready tonight or tomorrow.....

update on Foster care.....the good, the bad and the unknown.

2009-06-14T12:16:00.002-04:00

The GOOD

I know it has been a while since I have posted. I have been so busy honestly. Between watching Kaylee during the day... and I am working 3rd shift at an ice cream factory. So that doesn't leave much time for anything... except sleep, and those who know me, know I need my sleep or I am like a bear with a sore butt LOL. ANYHOW. I went for my physical Friday afternoon ( skipping my sleep time). Everything went well and I go back on Monday for them to "read" my TB skin test. Next thing is getting the house ready for our home inspection, getting all the other paper work done and then they will talk to our references and inspect our home. So things are finally moving once again toward us becoming foster/adoptive parents.

The BAD

I know it has made news all over Maryland, but it was announced earlier this week the the Unilever ( formally Good Humor/ Bryers) Ice Cream plant will be closing. Yes this is the place where Greg has been working for 14 years, and the place I am working at through a temp. agency. They will start laying off people in 2010, with me being one of the first to go due to being a temp. employee. The plant will be closed totally at the beginning of 2011. It is one of the ONLY good paying jobs in our area. Greg will loose his job ( he will be getting a severance package though). We will loose our medical insurance which really is a BIG DEAL to us. Greg is on medication for high blood pressure as well as it was recently discovered he is diabetic. Our grocery bill will drastically increase. ( at the plant, they have a company store and we have been able to save LOTS of money buying a lot of our groceries and other household goods from)

The Unknown

Although we don't know where this will lead us, we know the Lord has a plan in all this. Where one door closes, another one opens. We KNOW the Lord will see us through all this. We may loose some things ( I am sure we will have to move to another house) and we will have to cut back and cut out many things we enjoy now. Jobs right now are few and far between. I can't even find a job in the field in which I went to college and got a degree in. I am sure we may loose contact with several friends we have met working at the ice cream plant. At least we know now, and are able to try to save some money up for when he does become unemployed. He is thinking about going to get his CDL license after the plant closes. We are just waiting it out, thinking, and planning right now, waiting on the Lord to point us in the direction he wants us to take.

Because I Said So Book Review PERFECT Mothers Day Gift!!

2009-05-09T14:03:00.007-04:00

Not five minutes ago I finished reading the most amazingly funny book. Because I Said So by Dawn Meehan. Dawn also has a blog HERE. First a little background information. Dawn is a Stay at home mom of 6 amazing kids. 3 boys and 3 girls. I just got this book a few days ago, and have had a real hard time putting it down.... reading this book ALMOST made me late for work one night.

In this book Dawn tells us many stories that will make you laugh out loud. Dawn tells about then one of her daughters cut her hair not once but twice!! While reading this book, and thinking about all the things my mom always told me I did, it made the things I did well "normal". I would highly recommend this book for all women, both those who already have kids, and those who don't have children yet. For those who are already parents... do you often wonder about the things your children do.... why can't they clean their room, what about all the "experiments" they perform, or do you have the infamous "notme" living in your home, you can't see them, or hear them, but they are ALWAYS getting into mischief. What about the way kids think they know everything, and we are just so stupid we don't know anything, but when asked simple questions, they always answer " I Dunno". There are no perfect parents, things are always going to happen. They may not seem funny at the time, but when you read of it happening to another person, it always seems so much funnier. So what are you waiting for.... go out right now and get this book. "Because I Said So... and Other Tales from a Less-Than-Perfect parent" by Dawn Meehan. and don't forget to check out her blog. While you are buying your copy of the book go ahead and buy a few extra copies for gifts. I know this is one book many people will be receiving from me in the near future.

Hi/Low Thursday

2009-04-30T15:35:00.002-04:00

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and get your link on their site.

I know its been a while since I have posted.... but I thought this would be a great way to start again...

First my Hi.... I have finally found a job, it is only temp. work, but will last until September. I am still watching Kaylee during the day, and working third shift.

now the Low..... I am seriously not getting enough sleep, although I wouldn't change a thing ( except maybe permanent work instead of temp). Greg is hunting and fishing this week, and I really truly miss him so much.

Now its your turn!!!

Prayers for Stellan....

2009-03-25T14:33:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to drop and quick note... please pray for this little boy and his family. He is in PICU right now with life threatening heart problems. Please spread the word around about them and get on your knees and pray.

click on the picture to be taken to their blog.

On this day Many Many Moons ago......

2009-03-16T09:38:00.002-04:00

Hi/Low

2009-02-12T17:11:00.003-05:00

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and for a chance to win $100.

I thought this sounded like a good idea, so I thought I would give it a try.

My Low- I am starting to get sick. I don't know if its the flu that is going around or what, but today I just haven't felt like doing anything. Also my uncle is in the hospital with a staph infection. They did get his heart rate under control now.

My High- Yesterday we took Kaylee out to celebrate her birthday. We went to Chuck E Cheese and had a great time, then we went to toys r us and picked out some toys. Today we had cupcakes and she got the rest of her gifts, since today is her actual birthday. She is now 2 years old.

bump in the road... more like a mountain though

2009-02-03T21:53:00.003-05:00

remember Dreaming of Adoption: New Job...... May be a good move for me Well, it is coming to an end real fast. As a matter of fact I am working on my 2 week notice. I started working just weekends, then working 5 days a week, then back to weekends, then back up to five days a week to NOW they only want me to work 1 day a week, 8 hours. It just doesn't seem worth the time or gas at this point. One of the clients I have been working with has moved on to another program, so that eliminated a job. I am trying to get back to Merkle and work. I just hope they call soon.

Something to think about.

2009-01-20T17:30:00.002-05:00

I saw this on another blog I read and wanted to share it with you all. I am Pro Life, in every way shape and form. This will really make you think. CLICK HERE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2CaBR3z85c

Things may be looking up...

2009-01-07T14:47:00.002-05:00

Things here may be starting to look up for us finally. Greg has gone back to work, after being laid off a while. I have picked up 2 more evenings at work. I am fighting a cold right now, and Kaylee also has a cold. Poor little one can hardly sleep with her nose running so much. I am taking off this weekend from work ( with pay) in order to help my brother move. They have sold their house, and are putting things in storage until they find a house they want to buy. They will be staying with their in laws for a while. I am still waiting for that wonderful white stuff to fall from the sky, I don't think we will ever get any again this year. I am just so glad the holidays are finally over. They are really hard on me anymore. I do enjoy spending them with Greg, and my brother and his family, but it just hurts so much that I am no longer able to spend them with my parents. In my family, we have lost contact with my fathers side of the family when I was in high school, and now I seem to have lost contact with most of my moms side of the family. We don't have contact with Greg's family, and haven't for many many years. One thing I am looking forward to is starting back to college to get my BA degree in Social Work.

2008 in review...

2008-12-29T12:51:00.003-05:00

As we prepare to enter 2009 I wanted to take a few minutes and reflect on 2008. This has been a year of many changes in my life. I graduated college with my AAS in Human Services. I became an aunt once again. I left one job and started another one. I completed foster care classes. I have made several wonderful friends. I have spent another year married to a wonderful husband. But most of all I have started going to church again. I don't make any new years resolutions, I don't feel it is right for me. I don't wait until a new year is about to start to make goals and try to challenge myself. I feel this needs to be done throughout the year. It is important to always keep an eye on yourself and your goals and always work toward ways to improve your life and the life of those around you.

Things I look forward to in 2009

Starting foster care... We still need to finish the homestudy and I have to go to the Drs for a physical.

Start working toward my BA degree in Social Work.

Continue going to church and strengthen my relationship with God.

AND buy a book written by another blogger... which can be pre ordered here

Merry Christmas. ( edited to add pics)

2008-12-25T08:16:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone!!! I will try to post later today or tomorrow with pics from Christmas Day... If you really want to see Christmas pics before then... check out my entry from last Christmas.. all decorations are the same... Greg and I have opened our gifts... we each got a cowboys jersey... I got bedroom slippers and a ped egg.. he got socks and an Playstation 2 game... now we are getting ready to head to my brothers house.

EDITED TO ADD PICS!!!

WOW what a busy day. When we got home from my brothers house I finished dinner, we ate then we went to visit more friends this evening. Here are some pictures from today and yesterday.

In Memory of Mom....

2008-12-24T19:42:00.002-05:00

I wanted to get this post out before tomorrow. I have gone through this time line for 2 years now. I know exactly what I was doing and what time 2 years ago today. I will share that with you all
Dec 24.
5AM-- got up, and started getting Madison's Christmas stuff together.( had to blow up a Dora ball pit thingy)

7AM-- Break time.. sat and drank coffee with mom and also ate breakfast.

9AM-- time for a shower and get dressed

10AM-- doing last minute things before my brother, sister in law and Madison came to moms for Christmas Eve. ( It was planned ahead of time that we do Christmas at moms house on Christmas Eve)

11AM-- Jimmy and them arrive. we exchange gifts, eat, talk, laugh, and play with Madison

2PM-- Jimmy and them leave. Mom and I lay down for a nap...

4PM-- I wake up, Greg was playing his xbox, mom was still sleeping

5PM-- I try to wake mom and ask her what she would like for dinner, she told me she didn't feel good and didn't want anything right yet

6PM-- I have checked on Mom several times, I do start getting worried.

7PM-- Mom calls me back to her room, says she is hot, fan is running on high, she wants to lay on tile floor to try to cool off,... she was not totally with it, I couldn't keep her awake. I start asking her to go to the ER, and she says no, she doesn't want to.

7:30 PM-- Mom is getting worse, I can't keep her awake at all, I decide its best to call the ambulance. Only thing she would say is about delivering Christmas gifts to the neighbors.

8PM-- They take mom to ER, I call Jimmy and let him know whats going on. I also deliver the gifts to the neighbors.

9PM-- I get to the ER.. Dr tells me mom is "very very sick". They did blood work and were doing more. They said she had an infection somewhere.

10PM-- The Dr says they are admitting her, by this time, mom was in severe pain... kept yelling " OUCH", she wouldn't respond to me or anyone else by this time. I call Jimmy to let him know what is going on. He comes to the hospital.

12AM-- Jimmy and I are talking while standing by mom. We are both really worried. They haven't got moms room ready yet, and said it may be a while longer. So we leave the hospital. we both tell mom we will see her in the morning and that we love her.

I go home, and try to get some sleep. Greg and I decided I would get up early, run to the hospital to see mom, come back, make Christmas dinner, and take Christmas to mom depending on how she felt.

Dec 25

8 AM-- I wake up and call the hospital, mom is in her room, but didn't answer the phone. I call and talk to the nurse. She said she just left moms room, gave mom her meds, which she took fine. She also said mom was up and talking to her. She asked if I wanted to talk to mom, I told her no, but to please let mom know I was on my way over and would be there soon.

830AM-- I get to the hospital, and couldn't remember what room mom was in so I had to ask. I got up to moms room, which was FULL of people. There was her nurse, a Dr, and several other people I have no clue who they were. The Dr came over and asked if I was related, I say yes, and she literally pulled me into the hall way. and told me mom had just passed away.

I totally lost it, I started screaming and crying. I managed to pull myself together to call Greg, and to call Jimmy. I was there what seemed like forever by myself with mom. I did talk to her, I cried, I hugged her. We decided we wanted an autopsy done to find out what happened. Even the Dr didn't know.

12PM-- we leave the hospital and head home. We all sat down, and talked, we knew what mom wanted. We gathered her life insurance. We notify the rest of the family.

3PM-- Jimmy left to go be with Denise and Madison for the remainder of Christmas.

4PM-- Through tears Greg and I opened our gifts. We each had 1 special gift from mom that neither of us know what it was. mine was a precious moments angel.

5pm-- We havent eaten anything so we knew we had to to, all I could manage to eat was a bowl of cereal.

after dinner, Greg and I talked, laughed, cried, and held each other. It was the worse Christmas anyone could ever imagine.

I miss mom more than words can describe. I thought it would get better or a little easier with time, but this year is so much harder than it was last year. Although last year I was on an anti depressant, and this year I ain't.

Dear Santa.....

2008-12-22T13:12:00.002-05:00

I am so sure Santa reads blogs to... at least I hope. It is to late to send a letter to Santa so I am hoping he reads it here. I am sure if he Googles it he will find it.

Dear Santa,
I have been a very good girl this year. This year my Christmas list will be very short. You don't even have to stop at my house this year. All I want for Christmas is snow. Ya know that white stuff that falls from the sky... makes everything look so pretty, and makes all this cold weather more bearable. Thats all I want... let it snow let it snow let it snow...

Love
Roni

If anyone has any snow pictures... share them please... or better yet... help Santa bring me SNOW!!!!

This is FUNNY~~~ Elf Yourself.. Scott stlye

2008-12-18T12:00:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

update on Memorial Service tonight....

2008-12-11T15:50:00.002-05:00

Well after talking to the man that is in charge of the service this year... my time is being cut short...Therefore I had to cut out the poems I wanted to say... Please think about me and the families who will be attending this year.They don't even recognize my children that I lost because I was not able to carry them full term.. Also please pray for all families who have lost children way to early. This is now what I plan on saying... ( in front of about 250-300 people)

Good Evening. My name is Veronica Scott. First of all I would like to thank Brook Hill Church, for continuing this memorial service after my parents and grandmother passed away. 18 years ago my father organized the first interfaith memorial service for families of deceased children. Some of you may already know the story, but for those who are attending for the first time, I would like to share this. There was a lady my father worked with, who lost her young son. She asked my father if he knew of anyplace that held a memorial service for families who have lost children. Dad did a lot of research and couldn’t find any. He decided to organize one. He made all the preparations, and the first service was held the second Thursday in December of 1990. There were about 20 people in attendance. My mom and grandmother baked cookies, made cakes, and took care of all the refreshments. They did this each year. Dad would work on it all year long, and start final preparations in September. Mom and Grandma would start baking on Black Friday each year. In July 2004 dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. One of dads final concerns was to insure that this service would continue. Brook Hill assured him that it would and he passed away Sept. 8 2004. Grandma passed away December 14, 2004 due to complications related to diabetes. December 2006, a week before Christmas, mom and I were having one of our many conversations about how we missed dad and grandma. She then told me all she wanted for Christmas was to be reunited with them. Christmas morning my mother received her only Christmas wish. She was reunited with my father and her mother.

Memorial Service .......

2008-12-06T18:30:00.003-05:00

It is that time of year again for the memorial service for families that have lost children. They are once again doing a little memorial at the begining for dad, mom and grandma. I will be speaking to the families and lighting a candle in their memory. This is what I have prepared for this year...

Good Evening. My name is Veronica Scott. First of all I would like to thank Brook Hill Church, for continuing this memorial service after my parents and grandmother passed away. 18 years ago my father organized the first interfaith memorial service for families of deceased children. Some of you may already know the story, but for those who are attending for the first time, I would like to share this. There was a lady my father worked with, who lost her young son. She asked my father if he knew of anyplace that held a memorial service for families who have lost children. Dad did a lot of research and couldn’t find any. He decided to organize one. He made all the preparations, and the first service was held the second Thursday in December of 1990. There were about 20 people in attendance. My mom and grandmother baked cookies, made cakes, and took care of all the refreshments. They did this each year. Dad would work on it all year long, and start final preparations in September. Mom and Grandma would start baking on Black Friday each year. In July 2004 dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. One of dads final concerns was to insure that this service would continue. Brook Hill assured him that it would and he passed away Sept. 8 2004. Grandma passed away December 14, 2004 due to complications related to diabetes. December 2006, a week before Christmas, mom and I were having one of our many conversations about how we missed dad and grandma. She then told me all she wanted for Christmas was to be reunited with them. Christmas morning my mother received her only Christmas wish. She was reunited with my father and her mother. I would like to share 2 poems with you all tonight.

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.
As We Look Back

As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering .....
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us .....
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgement,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We're thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.

No Time for a Diet.... the Menu....and other odds and ends

2008-11-26T18:12:00.003-05:00

Well this is defiantly not the time to even think about a diet. As I have done in all previous years I am preparing Thanksgiving dinner, and we invite friends over that either don't have family in the area, or have no family at all. There will be people in and out from noon until sometime late that night. Dinner will be ready at 4pm. Here is this years menu. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, baked corn, green bean casserole, sweet potato pie,and pumpkin pie. Yes I know there is only 2 of us defiantly going to be here, but we have had some friends say they will stop by, only one of which I know will be here. 3 people... all this food.... we should have turkey still left by Christmas lol.

If my parents were still here, yesterday would have been their 37th wedding anniversary. They were very much in love until dad passed away, even after that mom was so heart broken over it. The autopsy for mom may have said pancriatitis, but if anyone died of a broken heart it was mom. When dad passed, it wasn't long until her mother passed away. She then lost contact with her brothers and her sister, mom gave up on living. Mom lived just long enough to spend one year with her grand daughter, and then she was ready to be with her husband and mother again.

I hope and pray you all have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving day. This year I have many things to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, who loves me and takes care of me. My brother and sister in law whom I love and care for. They have made me an aunt 2 times now. My niece and nephew and the most precious kids I have ever seen. ( I know I may be a little prejudice) My friends, both online and in real life. My cousin Robin who I lost contact for many years, and have recently started talking to her again. I hope one day I will be able to see her, her husband and her children. It has been to long ago that I last saw them. But most of all I am Thankful for such a wonderful God, who has seen me through good times and bad times. I may have questioned my faith, but he has always been there waiting for me to come back to him. I am thankful for a job, although I don't like it, it is a job and that is something many people don't have.

I know I know...

2008-11-20T21:06:00.002-05:00

I know... I didn't blog for a while.. I have been so busy. I haven't even read all the blogs I try to keep up on. I wanted to write this one as soon as I saw this quiz.. go ahead and take it and see how you do..

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Superior

Take the test!

Did you Vote???

2008-11-04T16:59:00.003-05:00

WOOOHOOO I voted.... now to wait for the results
I even got my FREE Starbucks coffee.

Early Election watching...

2008-11-03T22:14:00.007-05:00

I saw this on another blog. and thought it was really neat. I am really excited to get out tomorrow and cast my vote. I won't say who I am voting for... Whatever you do... make sure you get out there and vote!!

Another weekend done....

2008-11-02T21:13:00.002-05:00

Most people look forward to the weekends... NOT ME!! I work on weekends...every weekend since August. I am looking for a new job right now, but it is so hard with the economy right now. No one is hiring. I come home, I am frustrated and I feel defeated every time. I just don't think this job is a good match for me and my interest and abilities. I want to be efective in my job, and here I know I am not. I want to be able to help people... hence my Human Services degree. Right now I feel that all the money I have spent on college was a waste. Not much else going on here really... and don't want to depress anyone with everything going on here right now.

National Blogging Month...

2008-11-01T22:09:00.002-04:00

I have joined up for national blogging month. Each day for the month of November I will be posting an entry. http://www.nablopomo.com/ is where I went to sign up. So here we go....

Things here are busy as usual. I have 2 more foster classes to attend, and then its time for the home study. That I am really stressed about. I want everything to be perfect. I am still watching my God daughter during the week, and working another job on the weekends, I was working 3 evenings a week but the new supervisor has cut my hours. I was reading another blog, and now has me thinking.... its almost time for Christmas again!! How did this year pass by so fast? It cant be that time of year again. I have so much to do, and less than 2 months to do it. I am starting my shopping next weekend though. I guess I will get what I can from Kmart because I LOVE lay a way. Don't forget... tonight everyone get an extra hour of sleep... turn those clocks back and change the batteries in the smoke detectors.

HELP PLEASE

2008-10-08T23:34:00.002-04:00

ok I know a few people with blogs read this... and I really need help. I use to have journals on AOL,.... well AOL is doing away with them, and giving the option of transferring everything to blogger... I don't need 3 different blogs and want to move everything to this one... but am not sure how. How do I transfer things from one blogger account to another? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Private posts...

2008-09-29T12:21:00.003-04:00

There are some things that I want to say... but want to keep it private ya know password protected so only those whom I allow to read it can... problem is I don't know how to do this.. can someone please tell me how.. Thanks

The day after.....

2008-09-17T13:27:00.004-04:00

I had a nice chat with Greg about things that are bothering me last night. Let me tell you... I feel a whole lot better already. I know the situations haven't changed, but my thoughts and feelings have. I feel more relaxed,and more confident in myself. I guess it did help a lot that I didn't have to work last night to, a much needed time to relax and get my thoughts together. I am still really nervous about the foster care classes that start tomorrow. Will I make a good parent? Will I know how to handle the children that come into our care? Will I like the child or better yet, will the child like me? Will I be able to help make a positive change in the childs life? Will the child feel good being in our care? Will they feel safe and loved? How will I handle if a child leaves our care to go back home? Will I be betraying our children who are not with us by caring for another child? There are so many thoughts and questions I have for myself. I have spent many years thinking about this, praying for an answer in what to do. I feel this is what the Lord has planned for us. Somewhere out there, there is a child who is waiting on someone to adopt them. They may have siblings ( which if offered we will accept also), there will be issues that need to be addressed. But even with everything... they are still a child... a child looking for somewhere to call home.... a forever family. Tomorrow is also my nieces 3rd birthday. I can't believe she will be 3 years old already. It seems like yesterday she was born. Now the only thing left for me to worry about BESIDES the presidential election ( and that is another post) is my other job. I know the Lord has a plan in store for me....I just wish I knew what it was.

which way is up???

2008-09-16T19:21:00.003-04:00

There is so much going on in my life right now. I love watching Kaylee through the week, she is usually really good. But there is also a lot of confusion. My other job, with Spectrum Support, is starting to get to me a little. The main supervisor for the area has resigned, and the house lead person is now also looking for another job.... why?? because a higher up from the company has been coming up every week.... All I know is that one of the clients has been told... and we have been told... that he can do what ever he wants. I can understand this TO A POINT. He needs to be able to do things, and enjoy life.. BUT he has a history of aggression if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. Now this is just basically putting all the staff that works in that house in danger. He has hit another staff member last week, and is starting to refuse to do things he know he should... and then asking for rewards, such as McDonalds food... roller skating, bowling, to go to the fair... you get the point. Well it is fine and dandy that if he has the money that he be able to do these things, but if we don't have the money for us... then what... and what happens when he runs out of money for the month? Yep we are really going to have a lot of problems with him. I also know there is a lot more going on that I don't know about and other staff don't know about. I am starting to get a real uneasy feeling about this job. I have been there over a month now, and have yet to go to any trainings. I am so frustrated over this. I thought this job would have been a good move for me, but now I am not so sure. I can't afford to quit, and jobs right now are few and far between. On top of all this.... one good thing is this week I am starting classes to be a foster parent. I am really excited about this, yet I am also very nervous to. I don't know if I am getting burnt out, or what is going on right now. I feel aggravated about a lot of things, and just don't know what will happen next... and quite frankly that scares the crap out of me. I don't like NOT knowing.. that is one thing I do not handle very well. I need to know what to expect... what to look for... what comes next. I am just not getting that right now. I have so much to do... I did get Greg his birthday gift, but I haven't got my niece's gifts yet. I also want to get something for my nephew. I will just be glad when Saturday gets here so I can have a day off work.

Its 4 years today...

2008-09-08T13:30:00.002-04:00

4 years ago today my world was shattered. September 8, 2004 my wonderful father was called home. He suffered for 6 weeks from liver cancer. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday, it is so hard to believe it has been 4 years ago. I love you dad... and miss you more and more each day.

temper tantrums drive me NUTS!!!

2008-09-04T20:29:00.002-04:00

I have been watching the little girl for 3 weeks now. Things have been going really well UNTIL the other day... she is 18 months old and is starting to have temper tantrums. Today she got mad because I wouldn't let her play in either the bathroom or the dining room. She threw herself on the floor starting kicking, screaming and crying. You would have thought someone tried to hurt her or something. I looked at her, started laughing, and told her to get louder that I couldn't hear her. She didn't think it was to funny, but she did stop. These tantrums continue alllll dayyyyyy longggggggg. This is going to be interesting that's for sure. She is now at the stage where she is really fascinated with book. She will get a book, either sit on the floor on in her little chair. and read it from front to back. Never mind that it is upside down at times.. but she does read it.

I also want to bring attention to the blog roll on the right hand side. If you get a chance check some of them out. These are a few blogs I really enjoy reading. go ahead check em out. I didn't list all the blogs I read yet, I don't want to overwhelm you just yet.

Happy Endings... New beginings.

2008-08-27T21:36:00.002-04:00

So tomorrow is my last day working for Merkle. I am really excited about this,but at the same time kinda sad. I have worked there for several years and have made friends with some others that work there. I still babysit, and work for Spectrum Support, and will be getting more hours there soon. I am glad to finally find a job in my field, I am leaving Merkle on good terms, in fact they don't want me to leave, but as far as a career, that is not how I want to live. I will make a little more money at Spectrum Support, and I plan on staying there until I get my BA in Social Work, which I hope to have by 2011, WOW that seems like almost forever lol. I start the program in fall of 2009, and it will take me 2 more years to finish. I have to start buying things for my niece for her birthday, and Greg's birthday. It just seems like starting in September is is a never ending circus in my life, and I can't wait until January gets here and things calm down again. Now if I could just win the lotto..... everything would be good....

Hey!!! That phone talked to me !!!

2008-08-21T11:29:00.002-04:00

So I have been watching a friends 18 month old little girl. Things have been going really well I must say. My husband called to check in from work... see how things were going... Well Kaylee was in background just chatting away ( don't ask me what she said because all that is understandable is yellow and "welcome"). Anyhow He asked me to give phone to Kaylee.. which I did. I could hear him talking to her. As soon as he started talking, she pushed the phone back to me. With her facial expression like " Hey... I know who was talking... but how did he get in the phone???" I couldn't help but to laugh. I just wish I would have thought to take a picture.

cost to watch baby = 75 dollars a week
Phone bill = 100 dollars a month
Kaylee's face when phone started talking = PRICELESS!!!

New Job...... May be a good move for me

2008-08-16T17:38:00.000-04:00

Well I just got home from my first day at my new job. The house I work in has 2 clients living there. Each of the clients have a dual diagnosis. It was a pretty laid back day. There are 2 people working there on the weekends. I did really enjoy myself today. ( Is that even allowed when I am getting paid to be there?)I can't go into detail about the clients, although I don't think anyone who knows me personally reads my blog, I am bound by confidentiality not to divulge all information. Both clients are male.. in their 20's. One is totally non verbal, which can be a challenge. The other client is verbal, which makes it a little easier to work with. The client that is non verbal gets frustrated that he can't express what he wants and what he feels. He is autistic. When he gets to frustrated, he can and does get aggressive. Both clients have a history of aggression though. I will only work weekends there for now, until I finish all the training classes I need, then I may pick up a few more hours through the week.

Funny Farm Bound???

2008-08-11T12:23:00.002-04:00

Things here a relatively calm FOR NOW. Starting this weekend I have another job. I will be working with an organization that helps clients with developmental disabilities. I would give more information about this job, but I don't know how much I have to keep confidential. The clients I will be working with are those who have committed a violent crime, but were not convicted because of their disabilities. The client I will be assigned to, there will always be 2 workers in the home at all times. I am also starting to watch an 18 month old during the day m-f. The parents don't want to put the child with someone they don't know, so they asked me to watch her. I will have her from like 6:30 am until about 3:30 pm. I will then go to my first job working M-Th 5-9 pm. THen the weekend job Sat and Sun. 9am-5pm. but THATS NOT ALL....

Starting September 9 I will be starting classes for Foster/adoption care.

go ahead... make the call.... so much going on... they will be taking me away to the funny farm soon.... who wants to join me?

Getting back to "normal"

2008-08-04T14:30:00.002-04:00

WOW!!! Has it really been so long since I last posted? Things here have been crazy to say the least. Greg has surgery on his knee, and finally went back to work today. I am sure most people know what it is like to have a man at home all the time. lol. I am still looking for a job, with the economy right now no one is hiring. We were able to visit my brother and his family. It is amazing how fast the kids are growing. One of the best things that has happened since my last post, is Greg has stopped drinking!! It has now been 5 weeks. I did get my acceptance letters from 2 different schools that offer BA in Social Work. Now I have to decide where I want to go. Each school wants 200 dollars to hold my place... and right now that is 200 dollars more than I can afford. I don't know what I am going to do yet. I am going to talk to both schools, and find out more about the financial aid before I make a final decision.

I know there are people that read this blog, and some of who have blogs of their own. I do read a few..... ok a lot of other blogs. I would like to add a blog roll to my page... if you would like to be included in this please leave a comment and let me know. Also let me know HOW to do it lol... yes I know I am blonde.

New presidential canidate

2008-06-26T07:58:00.002-04:00

I know its been a while... but I have been busy... I have decided to run for president.. I am doing really well to!!! I was on the news.. check it out

click HERE

Fathers Day

2008-06-15T16:02:00.003-04:00

My father passed away 3 and a half years ago. As everyone gathers and celebrates Fathers day, I often take the opportunity to sit back and reflect on what dad meant to me. Dad would always be outside playing with my brother and I. He would help us practice in our sports such as basketball, softball, and baseball. He would do things with us instead of sleeping after he worked an all night shift. When we got home from school, he would be there to greet us, help us with homework, or just sit and chat. There wasn't a time when dad wasn't able to be there when we had games, practices, or field trips. I remember when I was in elementary school, we took a field trip to our state capital. Dad went along with us. Another time we took a field trip to the Gettysburg battlefield. Those are the only field trips I can remember a lot about. I think it is because dad was there with us. When I lost my children, my father cried as many tears as I have. My mother told me, he would often sit on the side of the bed and let his tears flow. He missed his grandchildren as much as I have. That was the very first time my mother has ever seen my father cry. Dad understood my pain, he shared my pain. I can imagine the celebration in heaven today. The celebration for the almighty father. The celebration with all the fathers who have passed before us.

Dear Dad,
Its been three and a half years since I have been able to sit and talk with you. Oh how I miss those days! You have sacrificed so much in order to provide me with the things I have needed and wanted. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wish you were here with me. I know your granddaughters and grandson are right there with you, celebrating with you today. I love you and miss you!!

Back in Action

2008-06-08T10:44:00.002-04:00

Well I am finally back in action, my laptop is back WOOOHOO anyhow I am still looking for a full time job, nothing yet. I know I promised pics of Jackson Thomas who was born May 14. Without further a due here they are. I am including a pic of what I just finished for him

fast update.

2008-05-28T22:24:00.003-04:00

I am getting so upset without my laptop!!! I am so ready to get it back. When I sent it in for repairs, they told me I would have it in 7 business days, well that has come and gone. I called them and the person I talked to hardly listened to what I was saying he just kept telling me " Don't worry about it, we will fix it for you" well HELLO it ain't fixed!! Its on Hold... I want to know what is going on with it. I ended up filing a complaint with the BBB. Not 3 hours later, one of the higher-ups called me. He told me that the people who I have been talking to shouldn't have told me things they did. Their GOAL is to have repairs done in 5-7 business days AS LONG AS THEY HAVE THE PART. Well they didn't have my part, and was waiting for it to be shipped in to them. He told me the part would be in there on June 2. thats right JUNE 2/.....3 weeks after I sent it to them. I am starting to look for a laptop for Greg, but I promise you one thing.... It WILL NOT and I repeat WILL NOT be a TOSHIBA!!!! This has been the worse laptop I have ever owned. It was on sale... had to programs and price range I was looking at. I could have gotten a Dell, or even and HP for a little less money. GRRRRRRR.

I FINALLY made it

2008-05-18T21:28:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I made it. Graduation day!!! It was a wonderful day. THe party after was also great. Lots of laughing, eating, talking, just being with family and friends. I wanted to take pictures of the party, but was so busy I totally didn't think about it until it was over. Of course there were people who said they were going to be there that didn't show up, but I am very thankful for those that did come. It may have been my graduation party, but I also think of it as a party not to celebrate my graduation, but a party to celebrate and show appriciation to all those who helped me and supported me throughout my college experience. I got my AAS degree, and I do want to go back and get my BA in Social work, but right now I want to find a job, then I want to go back again. I know it will be a lot more expensive, and right now I just don't have the money.

Tornado Emotions

2008-05-15T14:47:00.002-04:00

So much going on right now... Jackson Thomas was born May 14 at 10:18AM. He weighed 8 pounds 12 ounces. He is defiantly a keeper. He is adorable. I may be impartial being the aunt, but he is the most handsome little man I have seen. Tonight I have the awards ceremony at college. Greg isn't able to get off work, so I have no one to take pictures tonight, or to be there with me. I feel like sitting and crying, but no tears will fall. I have so much to do, and so little time or money. I did get some food for the party, and plan on picking up the beer tonight. The closer graduation comes the more emotional I feel. I really wish my mom and dad would be there to see me. I am just so confused right now, I am glad I am graduating, getting my degree. I am nervous about it all also. It just feels like a tornado is building up deep inside me, just waiting to explode, thus the name of the post. I did hear about my laptop, and the parts they need are on order. I can't wait to get it back!!

Gonna have blogger withdraws......

2008-05-10T08:02:00.002-04:00

I had to send my laptop in for repair. It kept getting hot and shutting off after less than an hour online. They told me I would get it back in 3 or 4 weeks. I didn't get a chance to save all my links to blogs I read, therefore I won't be able to visit any until I get it back. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???? I know I know, I can clean house and get ready for the party next weekend. Next Saturday I get my degree. Thursday I get an award. Sunday the 18th is my 17th wedding anniversary. I have to look for a job, and I talked to my brother last night, they are inducing my sister in law this week. UNLESS she has the baby sooner. She is ready, she is 3 cm dilated and 100% effaced. When she was like that for Madison, she had her that same day, ok a few hours later. This is a boy so he is going to be stubborn. I will definatly post pics after I get my laptop back.

Time is Ticking......

2008-05-05T16:57:00.002-04:00

Graduation is just around the corner. I have so much to do I think I am going crazy. Greg went to the Nascar race last weekend and he had a blast. I really missed him while he was gone. I called in work tonight to spend another day with him before going back to work. Today I went and picked up my cap, gown and hood from college. I also turned in all the paperwork from my internship. I am really starting to stress about it all. I just hope everything goes well. I worry about everything honestly. I have invited a lot of family and close friends over, some of which I haven't seen for a while. I am excited about that, but want to make sure my house is just perfect before then. I do have a display I have been working on of pictures of me growing up. I got the idea from one of my cousins college graduation party.

I turned in my resignation where I work now. Things are getting really bad there, and I just can't take it anymore. Some of the people are really good to work with, but the supervisors on day shift are making life a nightmare for everyone. I want to start working in my field. I just hope I find something fast. I still haven't ordered food yet. I wanted to get a final count of RSVP's before I do that. I have heard from some people, but others I haven't heard anything from yet. So far I have between 25 and 30 people coming to the party. I am ordering some of the food, but other food I am preparing myself. Now to all my readers...I have a question. This is what I am thinking of having at the party.... is there anything I may be missing?

Chicken Wings
Sloppy Joe
Baked Beans
Chips
Cake
Ice Cream
vegetable Platter
some sort of salad ( potato, macaroni, pasta) ( not sure yet on which one I will make)
thinking of Hot Dog and Hamburgers
Mac and Cheese

Also there will be kids there... so I want to have something here for them. The youngest will be about 1 and the oldest will be about 8. There will be more kids between 1 and 4. I am thinking of getting bubbles for them, but not sure what else I can get. I don't have a large yard, so there isn't a whole lot of room to run around in. I will be going to the dollar store this weekend to see what else I can get.

With all this going on, I wish more and more my parents were here to help me celebrate. I know they are looking down on me, but its not the same.

So much to do.... So little time...

2008-04-24T21:15:00.002-04:00

Well I have 3 weeks until graduation and my party. I am getting really excited about it, but also stressed at the same time. I have nothing done yet. I need to get the house cleaned, food ordered, yard taken care of, food I am making. I will be officially done my internship on Monday. It is bittersweet. I have really enjoyed my time there. I have been asked to stay as a volunteer, which I will do until I either
1. find a full time job or
2. they find out if they have the funding to hire me.

They have told me many times, they want to hire me, they just don't know yet if they will have the funding. I guess thats what happens when you want to work for a non profit agency.

Wed. morning I went to an internship recognition breakfast at the college. That was really good. I did receive an award for that. Now on May 5 I have to be at college to get my cap, gown and hood. Greg goes to the Nascar race next weekend, so he won't be here to help me that weekend. I want to have everything done and ready to go with the house and such by the 10th of May. I don't want to have to rush around at the last minute taking care of things. Although I know I will end up doing that. I want everything totally done by Friday the 16th. That day I know I will be running around from place to place picking up platters, food and of course we can't have a party without the booze lol. Although there won't be any drinking until about 8 pm, or whenever the kids are gone.

On another note, my sister in law hasn't had the baby yet. I know she isn't due yet, but she had the first one a month early. I somehow get the feeling, this baby will be born on my graduation day. I am excited about the new baby, but I also want them to be able to come for my graduation. I haven't seen them for a while and I am looking forward to seeing them.

Tagged again

2008-04-14T20:24:00.002-04:00

I have been tagged by Denise.

1. Do you like blue cheese? salad dressing yeah, but not my favorite.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? NO WAY!

3. Do you own a gun? nope, guns only invite trouble

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? We finally got a starbucks here, Sonic hasn't made it here yet

5. Do you get nervous before doctor's appointments? only when I have to get on the scale lol

6. What do you think of hot dogs? all beef please

7. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night, and I saw mommy kissing santa claus ( only cuz i really did see mom kiss him.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee.

9.Can you do push ups? I can't even push the plate of food away, how do you expect me to push my body weight up and down???

10. What do you order at Starbucks? it recently opened and I haven't been there YET, but will go there soon.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My rings, my locket from my husband, and my charms that have my parents thumb print on them.

12. Favorite hobby? crafts ( crochet, cross stitch, etc etc.)

13. How do you eat your eggs? scrambled.

14.Do you have A.D.D.? only when around people who get on my nerves lol

15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? My fatness

16. Your eye color? Blue

17. Name three thoughts at this exact moment? I should be working on my paper for my internship.... making sure I sent graduation announcements and invitations to everyone on my list... I can't wait until May 17th!!!

18. Name three things you bought yesterday? hmmm all I bought yesterday was a soda lol

.19. Three drinks you regularly drink? coffee, water, dr pepper.

20 Current worry right now? bills bills bills and more bills

21. Current hate right now? when I told someone about getting the Human Service award, they got mad about it, I don't know jealousy maybe?? they graduated a few years ago.

22. Favorite place to be? any place surrounded by family and/or friends.

23.How did you bring in the New Years? With my hubby.

24. Where would you like to go? on a cruise

25. Name three people who will complete this. Don't know.

26. Do you own slippers? Yes

27. What shirt are you wearing? purple shirt black pants

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope

29. Can you whistle? yeah

30. Favorite color? purple

31. Would you be a pirate? no thanks

32.What songs do you sing in the shower? i don't.

33. Favorite girl’s name? Brianna

34. Favorite boy’s name? James

35. What’s in your pocket right now? I don't have any pockets!

36. Last thing that made you laugh? an adult having what i consider a tantrum... see #24

37. Most frequently dialed phone number? My husbands cell and my best friend.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? stitches on my chin or stitches near my eye brow when I was little

39. Do you love where you live? ummm no way... I miss the country.

40. How many TVs do you have? 2

41. Who is your loudest friend? Helen!

42. How many dogs do you have? one

43. What are you thrilled about right now? preparing the graduate and getting the award

44. Do you have a crush on someone? If I told ya I would have to kill ya

45. What is your favorite book? too many to name.

46. What is your favorite candy? reeses peanut butter cups

47. Favorite Sports Team? Dallas Cowboys

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? haven't thought about that one.

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? sleeping

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I need the bathroom, a cigg, and a cup of coffee... in that order...

Now I am tagging...... anyone who reads this blog and has their own blog... please leave a comment and let me know !!

Thanks for all your help and suggestions

2008-04-13T11:58:00.002-04:00

Well I have been really stressing lately about what song to play at my graduation party in memory of my parents. I listened to everyones idea. I have really thought long and hard about this. In case you didn't see my last post.. I am receiving an award before graduation. I will get the Human Service Student award. This award is for the person who excelled both in and out of the classroom. I honestly didn't think I would get this award. Last year a good friend received this award, I would have finished then, but due to circumstances, I had to take a semester off. Now without further anticipation. the song I have chosen to play in memory of my parents can be seen here....IN MEMORY OF MY PARENTS What do ya think?

Now the easy part... I am also playing a special song for my husband there. Without him I wouldn't be where I am today.. I will not reveal what I am playing for him until after the party. There are people who read this who I am sure talk to him.

my first tag!!!!

2008-04-10T20:54:00.002-04:00

Before I do my tag... please read the previous post if you haven't already. Thanks

Wow I have been tagged.....I have been tagged by http://www.thekrumwiedesix.blogspot.com/

Here are the rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are my seven tidbits:

1. I just found out I am receiving the Human Services Student award. I will get it on May 15th... will take pictures

2. I have never studied for an exam.... and if i did, I did horrible on it.

3. about 2 weeks ago, I couldn't find my coffee creamer ( I use flavored). I didn't remember using it all, but it wasn't in the fridge... well I found it yesterday.... in the cabinet I keep the dog food and treats lol

4.My mother and father would have been the first one in the entire family... for as far back as we know of... that will have all their children receiving a college degree.

5. It has taken me about 5 years to earn a 2 year degree.

6. I am actually a very shy person... until I get to know you... lol

7. I have always wanted to be in a "helping" profession ever since I was little.. first it was a teacher, a firewoman, a police officer... always helping others..

Here is who I tag
Denise @ http://cameronscorner-nailgirl24.blogspot.com/

http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/

and any others who have a blog!!!

What would you do?

2008-04-04T22:45:00.004-04:00

I graduate college in just over a month. I have been planning a party, inviting family and friends. This day is going to be filled with mixed emotions, I am so happy I am finally getting my degree, surrounded by my husband, my best friend, and hopefully my brother ( depends on if my sister in law is having the baby). At the beginning of the party I want to play a song in memory of mom and dad. I just don't know which song to play. I know this is a person choice, but I am in desperate need of ideas. Before each of them passed away, I promised them each I would finish college and get my degree. They both even went so far as to tell me, when I am graduating, they are going to be there with me watching me walk across the stage. So if anyone sees a woman look toward the ceiling you can bet, that is me looking toward mom and dad. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wouldn't be for their help also. I really miss them so much. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I want the song to be a country song, I know there was one that came out in I think 2004 about rain being angels crying, but I can't remember the rest, or if I would even want that song. Please what in your opinion would be a good song to play in memory of the best mother and father I could ask for?

Emotional Entry.......

2008-03-29T08:23:00.004-04:00

I want you to read this post....then close your eyes and imagine it is a story in YOUR life. You have been with the one you love for many years. You each get to start your day. You head off to your job, while you loved one heads off to theirs. You always call each other during your lunch, and on the way home. One day at lunch, that call never comes, you begin to worry a little. They may have gotten busy, not able to take their lunch. One your way home, you continue to call, they don't answer. The worry begins to build. You begin to frantically call your shared friends, they haven't heard anything either. You sit down in your living room, turn on TV, which happens to be showing the local news. Right there before your eyes,the images on the tv screen are of a bad accident from this morning. The images are horrendous. There were fatalities. Then up on the screen, right then, a picture of the love of your life. Now close your eyes and imagine how you would feel.... go ahead....

This is based on a true story of a young man who lives in Florida. Eric Breidenbaugh.His partner was taking his parents in a plane. Click on the link to hear his story. He and his partner have been together 6 years. He wasn't given any information about the accident because he wasn't a "family" member!!! Eric knew something had happened, but was told they couldn't tell him anything.This is absurd! No they weren't married, not that they didn't want to, but because they couldn't get married!! The only reason they couldn't get married is because they are gay. Eric learned of his partners death through watching the local news.

Gay and lesbian couples face these and many other challenges each and every day. They can't talk to the hospital to get information if one is in for care. They can't talk to mortgage companies, insurance companies.If one of the partners die, they may loose everything they have worked so hard as a couple to build. If both names aren't on the mortgage, they will loose their home. Insurance companies won't talk to them. They won't collect their partners social security. They will in fact loose everything. How is this right? How can our society treat people like this. It angers me so much.

I think about the challenges my husband and I had to cross,especially after we first got married almost 17 years ago. The stares we received, the comments made by people who we didn't know. I then think about my life, when people find out I am Bi, the looks, the comments, the almost immediate distance. I get this not only from people who are straight, but also people who are gay and lesbian. When will this hatred stop? I am Bi, but as of right now, I choose not to live that lifestyle, not because of peoples reaction, but because of my deep relationship with my husband. Its not that he doesn't know, he does know I am Bi, and he has supported me from day 1. I have no desire to even think about entering another relationship. I am so very happy with him. I can't imagine a life more happy, more complete than it is at this moment.

Happy Birthday !!

2008-03-16T11:43:00.002-04:00

Things are getting better here. Greg goes back to work Monday finally. The agency where i do my internship asked me to have my resume on their desk by 830 Monday morning. I really hope to get hired there. It is a wonderful place to work. The other employees are wonderful. Today is my birthday, and so far it is going well. I have dinner in the oven early because we are going to another friends house to watch the Nascar race later today. I did have a little cry early this morning. I really miss my parents and my grandmother. I feel a little better now, I know they are always with me in my heart. All I want for my birthday is snow. I know it sounds crazy, but I love snow. I love to sit with a cup of coffee and look out the window and watch it come down. But today is sunny and in the 40's here. We haven't really had any snow this year, which is very unusual. Maybe for Easter we can have snow.....

Hard Times... hard times

2008-03-12T07:11:00.002-04:00

I am so tired. I am doing my internship as well as working. I get up in the morning drink my coffee, check my email, and listen to the news on TV. I leave the house about 8 am, come home for lunch, then out the door to work. I get home a little after 8. Then I have to get things ready for the next day. Take my shower, set the coffee pot, feed the dog, get clothes layed out. Then I try to be in bed by 1030 or so. I still have a month and a half of this. top it all off Greg is out of work right now because of his knee. He is miserable, he isn't used to just sitting around all day. He isn't getting paid for his time off right now, not until the Dr fills out the paper work. Then his job told him today he needs another paper filled out by a different Dr. He should eventually get paid for the time he is off, but we don't know when that will be.

My birthday is coming up this weekend, all I want is SNOW. I can't remember the last time we didn't have snow on my birthday.... this year they aren't even calling for snow. I know it is an odd request... but its something I love, and doesn't require money. It is so hard on me right now, I am really missing mom and dad. I never dreamt of the day my parents wouldn't be around. SO many things going on and they aren't here to share it with. I graduate in 2 months... something both mom and dad were very proud of me for.

I know I am just ranting right now, and I am sorry about that. I am just frustrated right now and don't know what to do. It seems my world is crumbling around me and I can't stop it.

A Day To Remember.

2008-02-29T21:05:00.004-05:00

I know its been a while since I last blogged. I am now doing my internship, plus working. I don't have a lot of time for much more than that. I love the place I am doing my internship at, the only thing I hate about it is I don't get to see Greg much anymore during the week. I really miss our mornings together, and out nights when we get home from work. We were always watching tv, talking, or something, but we were always together and that made me happy. I am basically working 12 hours a day now, so that doesn't leave much time for sleep, shower, and other stuff that I need to do.

June 14, 2000
On June 13th, I had my third blood work done to determine if I was pregnant. It was definatly positive. The numbers looked wonderful. I had to wait 3 weeks before I would get my first sonogram done. A day that would never happen.
June 14th I went to work as usual. A little while after lunch I found I was starting to bleed. I began to worry and totally freak out. Greg and I left work and went straight to the hospital. One day after my final pregnancy test, I was loosing our children.

May 17, 2002
One another note.... I do read other peoples blogs, and with this being leap day, many are using it as a day to remember. A day to remember pregnancys that ended way to soon, and the children we loved and dearly miss. 7 years ago I was pregnant with twins. That pregnancy ended when I was only 5 weeks. 5 years ago,almost 6 years ago, I was pregnant with triplets. That also ended in miscarriage. I remember that day all to well.

Our refridgerator went up, so Greg and I went pricing some to replace it. I was feeling fine, a little tired, but otherwise I was fine. We went to one store, and didnt see one we liked. I felt something strange, and discovered I was bleeding. We decided to go home so I could rest and call my Dr. By the time we got home I was having really strong and hurtful cramps. It was then that I lost 2 of out babies. My Dr wanted to see me, We made the 45 minute trip to my Dr. He did a sonogram and blood work. I was ordered to bed rest. The last baby was close to where one I lost was, and the Dr was concerned I would loose that one. I went home and went straight to bed. I remained there, only getting up for the bathroom, or going to lay on the couch. Where ever I was, I was laying down.

On May 18th,( also our wedding anniversary) That evening, I began to have what I thought were cramps again. I was starting to get worried, scared, frightened. I didn't want to face what was going on with my body. Just like the day before, the cramps were really bad. I could time them, and they were consistant. Every 2-3 minutes. They would last about a minute and a half. This vicious cycle repeated many times.

May 19th, 1:30 A.M.
The pregnancy was over. I lost our last child.

I know there are some people who don't think of having a misscarriage as loosing a child, but within those 3 days, I lost our children. 2 girls, Alisha Nichole and Katrina Rennee, and our son Greg Jr.

They were a part of me, and my wonderful husband. I will never forget how they looked... yes they had already developed arms, legs, a head and torso.

I have lost a total of 5 children.... 2 of whom was really early in the pregnancy. I guess since I carried the triplets longer, and had so many of the pregnancy stuff, It affected me a lot more and a lot harder. My last pregnancy I had "morning" sickness all the time except in the morning. My belly was growing, and I would spend countless hours talking to them.

It is hard to imagine what my life would be like had my children survived. 2 kids almost 8 and 3 kids almost 6. I do think of my children a lot, asking those all to familiar questions..... "what if...."

I can only wonder and dream....

Valentines Day

2008-02-15T10:19:00.002-05:00

It was a good day. Greg surprised me with gifts in my van while I was at work. I got him a dixie horn for his truck ( something he wanted for a while now), I also took balloons and a little teddy bear and put in his truck at his job. This is something we have done for each other for years now. We take things to each others vehicle while at work. What a great surprise during break or when we get off work.

I took him to the Drs on Wed. They did a chest xray-- found an enlarged heart. They are doing a breathing test right now. I am waiting on him to get home now.

I am still having trouble getting into an internship. I called another place today to try to set an interview up on Monday. Just have to wait and see I guess. My next semi big "adventure" is next friday when I have a cyst removed from my neck. It will be sent off and biopsied.

Primary Elections

2008-02-12T22:43:00.002-05:00

Well today was primary elections. The weather was horrible. It was snowing, sleeting, and freezing rain almost all day today. I did make sure I was able to vote before I went to work today. I always hear people complain about what is happening with the government, but when asked, they don't even vote. What????? People want to complain about something, they have a say in, but they make excuses as to why they don't go out and vote. When I went today, I was there less than 5 minutes. There was no line, I was in and out. It took longer to park the van, than it did to cast my ballot. The results aren't in yet, the polls stayed open an extra 90 minutes because of the weather.

Happy Birthday!!!!

2008-02-07T22:32:00.001-05:00

Today is my mothers birthday. She would have been 57 years old today. She is one person I will always consider my best friend. There were many many times when we would sit and talk for hours on end. We talked about anything and everything. There was nothing I couldn't tell her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I miss her so much.

Almost Better

2008-02-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

Well I am feeling a lot better today finally. I haven't had a fever today. I tried to do a little laundry and cleaning house. I think I was doing to much to soon, I started to get a migrane headache. I hope I start feeling a lot better soon, and stay that way. With the weather the way it is, I just don't know. I had to take 2 days off work, and that is really going to hurt my paycheck. I have off on the 13th with Greg for his Drs. appointment, then the following Friday I am off because I am having a cyst removed from my neck. I am really worried about that for some reason. I just need to do things to keep my mind off of it.

I hate missing work, I feel so guilty when I am not there. I guess after being so sick, it will take me a few days to build my energy back up to where it should be. I was also able to eat today finally. Now to get rid of my cough and my headache and I will be good to go for the night.

Sickness season

2008-02-04T22:32:00.001-05:00

I have been sick almost a week now. I have been trying to take over the counter stuff for it, but ended up today going to urgent care. I found out I have bronchitis and the flu. I have been running a fever on and off all weekend. I have no energy and my whole body aches. They did give me some antibiotics and some cough syrup, so hopefully I will start to feel better soon.

I am still waiting to work on my internship. I am going to interview at Head Start for that. I should be able to finish before May, so I can still graduate. I am also starting to look for a job for after I finish. There is one juvinille facility that is hiring( they are getting ready to reopen). I downloaded the application and am in the process of filling it out.

One thing I did accomplish this weekend was taxes. Now I don't have to worry about it for another year.

Will update again when I am feeling better.

Manic Monday

2008-01-28T18:17:00.000-05:00

I had to leave work early today, I couldn't stay out of the bathroom. I feel fine, just seem to need to check the bathroom very often. I am still waiting to hear from my professor about my internship. I am starting, well ok I am getting more anxious and worried about it. I talked to a friend of mine who had her baby a week ago. The baby was starting to improve for a while, but yesterday made a drastic turn for the worse. The Dr. told her there is a chance the baby will not make it. I hope and pray the baby will prove them wrong. My friend had another son pass away when he was 7 weeks old. I just don't understand. My heart goes out to her. Please keep my friend and her son in your thoughts and prayers.

Slow Sundays

2008-01-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

WOW, what am I suppose to watch on TV today. No football game, Nascar hasn't started yet. Greg is watching some movies on Sci-fi. I am trying to work on laundry. I do plan on cleaning house today. I am trying to make changes on my blog, want to add links to other blogs I read, if I figure out how to do it, and I want to get permission to share those first. I can't believe how fast the weekend goes by.

Some Days are better than the ones before

2008-01-26T08:29:00.000-05:00

Things here have been crazy. I am busy trying to start my internship. I had an interview at the juvenile detention center, was offered, but had to turn it down. If I were to go there, I would have to quit my job. I am now waiting to hear about another possible place to do it. Work is he** right now. They are changing so many things and some of the bosses are total assholes. They are moving to a new building, and are making new rules as they go along. When we get to the new building, anyone caught smoking will be fired. It don't matter if you are in your car or not. The only time we are able to smoke is during our lunch break, and we have to leave the property to do it. Half of the night shift smokes. Almost all of them have said they will get fired the first day we move.
Greg has had his tests done, and now we are waiting on the Dr. to get back with us to tell us the results. I try not to think and worry about it to much, but it is always in the back of my mind.

Calgone take me away !!!!

2008-01-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

Some people have "one of those days", well it has been one of those weeks for me. I have been trying to get registered for my internship, and get things in order there so I can graduate in May. I only have to do 165 hours this semester, but trying to even start is like pulling teeth. On Top of all that, Greg went to the Dr this week, they can't get his blood pressure under control yet. He is on 4 different pills a day, some he takes 2 times a day. They now say he needs to be on inhalers. The Dr said she thinks something is preventing his meds from working right, his blood pressure is still really high. They ordered more blood work, and other tests to try to find out what is going on. They now say he has COPD, but that won't mess with his meds working. So I don't know. He goes to see a specialist on Feb. 13th. The Dr also said something may be wrong with his kidneys or even the liver. I am so worried about him. I try not to let him know how worried and scared I am, I don't want him to worry and make his blood pressure go up even more. I am now getting migranes almost daily because of the added stress. I will be fine once we find out what is going on, and how we can make it better. On top of all this our dryer belt broke and we dont have the money to get a new one, so I wash a load of clothes, and hang them in the bathroom to dry. I don't think I will ever catch up on laundry. This weekend I plan to just relax at home, get some cleaning done.

CAN YOU HEAR ME????

2008-01-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

I have waited for this day all week. The Cowboys were playing for the divisional championship. I can't believe how many penalties were called!!! I sat here yelling and screaming at the TV, why is it they never listen to me???? Final play of the game.... need a touchdown to win the game and BOOM lets throw it where there are 2 opposing players covering just ONE of our guys.... INTERCEPTED!!!! Cowboys have played the giants 2 times this season...both times beating them. I sure hope there are some cowboys who loose their job tonight. So many stupid errors!!!! Now I am FURIOUS!!! they should have won that game... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO lets see how many penalties we can have called against us.....

Oh well at least I have Nascar season starting again soon.

Life is so UNFAIR

2008-01-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

Well the weekend is finally here. Nothing planned really except to watch football games. As for the reasoning for the title.... Last night I got off work early. There wasn't a lot of work, so I finished what I had to do and left. A few people from work was getting together to go out. I couldn't go with them, I didn't have the money. While I was sitting here, I sent a text message to one of the friends from work. I found out that another one was fired tonight. After I found that out, I had to call... no more texting. They fired her saying she stole money. This is OUTRAGEOUS!!! She is not the type of person to do this. She has been working there a few years and busted her ass for them. They have cameras up, but I don't think they are working. She is upset about this.... along with many other co-workers. From what i know... she did put some money in a feedback tray... told the supervisor about it.... and didn't think anymore about it. Well the money came up missing. Anyone could have taken it. There are many people who have access to the tray. Everyone knows where it is....anyone could have taken it. But since she was the last one who was known to have it, they fired her over it. If your dealing with large amounts of money, each and everyday, you have cameras up everywhere, please explain to me, why the cameras are not turned ON???? This place has money disappearing all the time, HELLO!!!! make sure the cameras are ON!!!! The company is loosing one hell of a worker over this. I just don't understand this. Each year, at this time, there are always people fired. Always for the same reason...stealing money. Some people are talking to the one who was fired Friday, telling her to get a lawyer about this. I really hope she does. Not to get her job back, but to not let the company continue to do this. This person wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her job, its not the best job in the world, but its a job. I have worked at several different places over the years, and I must say this is the worse job I have ever had. They are totally unorganized, a total lack of communication, and of course the bosses have their " picks" and it is very noticeable. Now I am not saying all this because I like the person who was fired, we have had our differences before. I have known others who have been fired, and I totally believe that yes, they did steal from the company. The one who was fired would do anything for anyone, she would give you the shirt off her back if you wanted it. I have worked there 5 years, and off all the people who they have fired, I can honestly say there are only 2 people who I think were fired who shouldn't have been. I really think the company is setting people up, who they just want to get rid of, just to get rid of them. I just hope this person gets a lawyer involved in this. I KNOW she didn't take the money.

Thoughtful Thursday

2008-01-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

At times I am reminded how unfair life is. Not long ago I started reading different peoples blogs. I read some of those who are undergoing fertility treatments, hoping and praying they have better results than I did. As I sit and think, my second attempt, and first positive pregnancy test. That baby was due January 14th 2001. After my third beta test, it was discovered I wouldn't have that child. I know there was a chance of multiples, and at times wonder, if it worked, would there have been 1 baby, or maybe 2 or 3. While I read these other womens journey, I cheer when things go right, but i also shed tears when they don't. It breaks my heart. I know how painful it is to want a child, to go through so many invasive treatments, you dream and have such high hopes. When all of a sudden BOOM your world comes crashing down around you. I would look around and see women that are pregnant everywhere I went. Women having many kids without a bit of trouble. I live in a town that has an abortion clinic just a few blocks away. It breaks my heart seeing a woman go in. Knowing what happens. Why is it so easy for some women to get pregnant, while others its an unreachable dream. I know I have other options, and yes I still want to adopt when I finish college. The child may not have grown below my heart, that child will grown IN my heart. I haven't even started, but the love as already started to grow. Greg and I have talked about it, and we know who we want through when we adopt. I did contact them before, and still have the paperwork of things we have to do. There are so many kids out there who are unloved and unwanted. I can't wait to open my home and heart to them. I may have to eat these words later.... but I can't wait to get frustrated with mischievous behavior, change diapers, teenage rebellion... but also the fun family stuff there is. I don't want to mention names or anything, but I want to urge everyone who reads this to think about someone who is worse off then they are. Pray for them.... If you can't think of anyone.. pray for all those who are hurting, suffering, and facing challenges that may seem unbearable.Pray for those women who are going through fertility treatments, those who both received good news and bad news. Pray for the children that are suffering from life threatening illness and pray for the families who stand beside them. Pray for the children who don't have a "forever home". In this country there is so much hurt and pain. There is always someone who is worse off than you are. Tonight my thoughts and prayers go out to my family, my friends, those that are suffering and are hurting, those who have had dreams shatter right before their eyes, and those who are still reaching for their dreams.

Speaking of that. I want to update on my sis in law. She did have the procedure done, and is on bed rest for at least 2 more weeks. She is now almost 22 weeks. I just hope everything stays the way it is, I feel as though I am holding my breath and won't be able to breath again until she gets past 32 weeks. The Dr doesn't even know if she will carry that long. Right now they just want to get to 26 weeks, when the baby will have a chance. They are aiming for 32 weeks. Madison was a month early and she is healthy. I just hope this one is also. I am going to start buying things for him very soon. It is me or is it easier to buy for girls than it is boys. With Madison, I knew exactly what i wanted to get her and when.... with the little boy I am almost clueless besides trucks, and of course i have to make sure he has a football. He will have a Dallas cowboys football and clothes... hope they don't mind lol they don't want football, my sis in laws father is a Ravens fan... I just can't see my nephew wearing purple clothes.. Blue is a much better color... good reasoning works for me lol.

Midweek...

2008-01-09T11:31:00.000-05:00

This week has been uneventful really. Work sleep work sleep work sleep. Fun fun lol. Well today we are getting Dish Network. They are hooking it up right now. After they are finished i get to go to work. Its crazy nothing really blogworthy just wanted to let everyone know i haven't dropped off the face of the earth.

Christmas Part 2

2008-01-06T19:14:00.001-05:00

Today was a wonderful day. Greg and I went to visit my brother and sister in law and niece to exchange Christmas gifts and spend time together. We had a wonderful visit. I can't believe how big Madison has grown. Everything went well. We all sat and talked, I got on the floor to play with Madison a while. At first when we got there, she was still napping. When she woke up and my brother brought her downstairs, she didn't know who we were. It has been so long since we were there. It did hurt that she didn't remember us, but after a while, she became comfortable. She started talking, and laughing and playing. I tend to think the presents has something to do with that though. We will be going down more often, I don't want her to not know us or remember us. Right when we were getting ready to leave, she gave Greg a hug, then came over to give me a hug, she got on my lap, and started playing with my necklace, It has 3 charms on it. one is my fathers thumb print, one is my mothers thumb print, and the last is a locket Greg got me 2 years ago for Christmas. I told her they are grandma and grandpas finger prints, and they love her very much. If mom and dad were here, they would be so very proud of her. I swear that kid is so smart. She is only 2 years old, knows how to count, knows her colors, when she is playing with her toys, she even puts them away when she wants to play with something else.

My sister in law is doing well also. The procedure Friday went very well. We talked about that a little today also. The Dr said she has to stay on bed rest for 2 weeks then she should be able to return to work. She is showing a little bit. Madison knows she is going to have a baby brother, and I can already tell, they are going to have their hands full with one very jealous little girl.

Man whats going on?????

2008-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

I must say Friday was a really crazy day. I go to work as usual, everything seemed to be going fine. Not a whole lot of our work, but plenty of day shifts work we had to do. I was working, and someone came in from break and said the parking lot was full of fire trucks, cops, I mean it was light up like a CHRISTMAS TREE. It seemed like forever (although it was only about 20 minutes) that we found out a suspicious powder was discovered in an envelope. Work proceeded as usual in the building. Only those that were within 6 feet of the envelope were evacuated. After being there over 2 hours, everyone was given the all clear, and they to were back inside working. Here is a link to the news story. http://your4state.com/content/fulltext/?cid=14814 . I must add, they do know who sent it, the person put a address label on the envelope and even had their name and address inside with their donation to the particular organization.

It was payday, so on my lunch I had to go to the bank. I also had to grab something fast for dinner, so I went to McD's.

My sister in law was having surgery done to stitch her cervix, and I was worried about that all day today also. When I got home I found out everything went fine and the Dr was opptimistic that it will be a success.

Ya know how you sometimes get a feeling that something is really wrong, but you don't know what it is? Well I had that feeling really bad last night when I layed down in bed. I don't know what it was. Greg came home from work and started watching TV. ( normal) Dog was fine, he was sleeping beside me. I just don't know what it was. I was tossing and turning in bed, woke up enough to say hi to Greg and talk to him a few minutes. He asked me what was wrong, I was all over the bed and wouldn't stay still. Poor man ended up sleeping in the recliner, he didn't want to disturb me. Now I feel bad about that. I could understand if something was wrong, but as far as i know now, everything was fine, I just couldn't stay still and sleep. I was sleeping, but was kicking and hitting the air A LOT!!! I think I will go out and buy breakfast this morning for him having to sleep like that.

Tomorrow we will be going to my brothers to visit and also do the Christmas exchange. I am giving them my old laptop since my sister in law is on strict bed rest, and I will be helping them get that together and working. I will also get to play with I mean spoil our niece. I am excited about that.

I have also started to really think about doing foster care after I graduate in May. I am also looking into a program I recently heard about. There is a program where Ukrainian orphans visit for a few weeks. These children are up for adoption also, but the programs goal is to basically give the kids a break from the overcrowded orphanage. It does cost to participate in this program, but I feel it is for a good cause. This is the organization that deals with that...http://www.frontierhorizon.org/

2007 in review....

2008-01-01T09:49:00.000-05:00

I honestly believe in order to improve the future, you must learn from the past. I know I just started blogging, but want to take a few minutes to reflect the past year.

January.
Mom recently passed away, so we were busy getting the condo ready to put on the market. I never realized how much stuff people accumulate over the years. I wasn't working, so I was able to spend a lot of time doing what I needed to do. It was a very depressing month.

February
AHHH the month of love. We had all the flooring replaced in the condo. then put it on the market on the 19th. Greg and I didn't really do a whole lot to celebrate Valentines day this year. I continue to watch my niece grow so fast.

March
I decide to go back to work. I couldn't handle staying at home all the time. I am used to working. ( wonder what I will do when I retire lol in ummm 35 years. This is also my birthday month. Greg and I both took off work.... but we had a bad snow so we stayed in and watched tv.

April.
Easter... We went to spend it with my brother. We were so blessed to be as a family that day. It is one of my fondest memories of the year. Madison had her first Easter Egg hunt... At 17 months old.. she would find an egg, pick it up.. and say what color is was. She only missed one... She is so smart. I was amazed. She knows her colors already.

May
Anniversary month... Well this month is another that flew by. The begining of the month, we signed a contract on the condo... Giving 1 week before closing. Yep. Greg and I were still there, and had 1 week to find a place, pack and move. We did find a wonderful how. It is 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, nice backyard for the dog.. but more than we want to pay for rent. But we are happy and we are together. Moving day... got up early, had everything packed and ready. Loaded the moving truck. and the other vehicles we were using. I drove the van. Got the the house, trying to hurry, closed the van door... but my hand was still in it. I never knew a door would totally latch closed when a body part is in the way. The following week was my anniversary, and Greg and I enjoyed a nice dinner at home. We didn't really want to go out to celebrate this year.

June.
The beginning of summer.. Not much happened. Greg spent many weekends at the dragstrip. Greg did run one weekend, and came in 3rd place. I was so happy and so very proud of him.

July
We had a few picnics with friends. We were both busy with work. Not much time to do anything else.

August
College started up again at the end of the month. So I was busy getting everything, including myself ready for that.

September
This is a very special month to me. It is Gregs birthday and also Madisons birthday.
They were having a party for Madison, and we of course went to that. It was wonderful to spend time with my brother, sister in law, and Madison. Early in the month, I went to my first Nascar race. I had a blast. This was part of Gregs birthday present. The second part of his present was going to see Gretchen Wilson in concert. This is by far the best month I have had this year.

October
College was in full swing, and work was busy. We didn't do anything for Halloween, we were both working. Although Gregs job has slowed down a lot. They are facing layoffs, and a drastic cut in hours.

November
Thanksgiving.. I made dinner and we invited friends over. We had a great time. Work for me was very busy. Greg was laid off 2 weeks, and is now only working 4 days a week. College was crazy. Lots of papers, had at least 2 due each week almost the whole semester.

December
Memorial service for our kids, and mom, dad and grandma. I look forward to this service each year. This is when I can celebrate Christmas with them. Christmas at home, I made dinner for Greg and I, and we also invited some people over. College has ended for the semester. I was so glad it was over.

Although it wasn't a totally fun filled year. It had its ups and downs. I am grateful for each and every day I have to spend with those I love. May 2008 bring more happiness and prosperity.

My neice will have a .........

2007-12-29T10:27:00.000-05:00

Well I just got off the phone with my brother. They had a sonogram yesterday. The baby is a BOY!!! He is doing good. All measurements are right where they should be. Now for the problem. My sister in laws cervix is now thinning. They are talking to a surgeon today about having her cervix stitched closed. If my nephew would make an appearance now, his would not survive. They are aiming for at least 26 week. ( she is now 20 weeks). The optimal time is 32 weeks. This is going to be a very long, and stressful time. Please pray for my brother, sister in law, and nephew. My brother wants so much to have a son. I wish there was more I could do for them. I am still sick, and don't want to pass my germs to any of them, that is the last thing they need right now.

Oh and yes, in my dream I posted about earlier, Mom told me the baby is a boy.

Nasty Bugs

2007-12-27T22:08:00.000-05:00

Last week Greg wasn't feeling well, now I am sick. I had to call in tonight from work. I have taken some nyquil earlier today, and plan on taking more tonight before I go to bed. Christmas night, my best friend and her son came over for a while. After her son opened his gift, we went upstairs and played pool for a while. They left and I went to bed shortly after that. Greg is laid off this week, so yesturday I went to work, he was relaxing a little. He had a Drs appointment in the morning for his blood pressure, they adjusted his meds again. I will be so glad when they get everything adjusted to where it needs to be. Today I basically laid around, while he and another friend got the last gift for Greg out of my van. It is a Total Gym, like on TV. Tomorrow I have to work, or I won't get paid Holiday pay. This weekend we are pretty busy also. Saturday, Greg has bowling, Sunday is the deadskin and dallas game. Monday we are having friends over for New Years Eve, and Monday is well recovery day. I will post more when I feel better.

Christmas Day

2007-12-25T19:14:00.001-05:00

WOW Today was a wonderful day. My husband and I got to spend a lot of time together. That always makes for a good day. I got up this morning and put the turkey in the oven. I got the fruit punch made. I even made breakfast. After we ate, I decided to let Dakota open his gifts. YES he opened them himself. Greg and I then exchanged gifts with each other. He got me some Wh*ite Dia*mond perfume, and some other perfume. He also got me a bathroom essentials gift bag. It has lots of stuff in it, so I will be in the bathroom for hours now lol. I got him a set of Na*car coffee cups, and a remote control Mustang. He has been telling me for months now he wants one, and that was the only one in my budget. We also got a Total Gym. We watched specials on TV, then I finished dinner. We ate and well he is now sleeping in his recliner. Dakota is sleeping at my feet. I am tired, but if I sleep now, I won't sleep tonight. Here is a video of some pictures I took of our decorations and our day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2007-12-24T19:11:00.000-05:00

After that last post, and getting that off my chest. I want to take a minute and share everything I am thankful about. Right now I am done ( for the moment) baking cookies. My ham is almost done. Greg and I straightened up the house today. I have all gifts including Dakotas ( our 4 legged baby boy) wrapped and neatly placed under the tree. I am listening to Christmas songs ( have been all day). thinking about all the things I am thankful for.

1. I am thankful for a wonderful husband, companion, best friend, and soul partner Greg

2. I am thankful for wonderful friends, both online and in person.

3. I am thankful for a wonderful Brother and sister in law

4. I am thankful for a beautiful niece Madison.

5. I am grateful for the new baby that is due in May.

6. I am thankful for finally seeing the end of the tunnel in college in hopes to get my degree May 17th.

7. I am thankful for all my family, some I don't talk to as often as I should, but they are always in my thoughts and prayers.

8. Most importantly, I am both grateful and thankful for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who was born of the virgin Mary, died and risen, and soon will come again. Jesus gave his life, so I will be able to enter the gates of Heaven. What a WONDERFUL GIFT !!!!

As I sit here and think about this night many many years ago, Mary and Joseph being turned away from the Inn after traveling for so long. Mary about to give birth, and sent to the stables where the animals were kept. God sent his son to deliver us all from Evil. I think about the angel appearing to the shepherds, and those 3 wise men, who following a star, found our Lord and Savior laying in a Manger, in the little town of Bethlehem.

Then look at our society today. Christmas has become so commercialized. People spend so much money of gifts for their family. You can spend all the money in the world, but the greatest gift you can gift your friends and family is the gift of time.

I sit and read the story of the birth of Jesus, and also read a book Santa and the Christ Child. It really puts into perspective the TRUE meaning of this Holiday Season.

Now I must finish preparing everything, so I can head to bed so Santa can perform his "magic" tonight. I will post pictures tomorrow sometime of the decorations as well as pictures of a dog that opens his own gifts. I sure hope Santa doesn't leave to much for Dakota this year.

Merry Christmas and God Bless you all.

1 YEAR AGO.....

2007-12-24T15:20:00.000-05:00

Sitting here thinking of everything that happened one year ago today.

My brother, sister-in-law, and niece came up to visit to exchange Christmas gifts. They left about 2 pm. We had a wonderful time together. Mom was happy. After they left, we decided to take a nap. I woke up about this time. Mom was still sleeping. Greg was playing his xbox games. At 4, I started to think about making dinner. I went and woke mom enough to ask her what she wanted for dinner, she told me she wasn't hungry yet. I told her that was fine and asked her if she was ready to get up yet. She told me she was tired and just wanted to sleep a little more. There were plenty of times that we ate dinner late, so I wasn't alarmed. I continued to check on her every so often. At 6pm, my uncle ( my fathers brother) called and asked to talk to mom. I took the phone back to her, but she said she didn't want to talk, she wasn't feeling well. I started to get concerned, it wasn't like her to not talk to him when he called, they only talk about once a month. At 7pm, I was sitting in the living room watching tv, Greg was still playing games, and mom was still resting. Greg ran out, and told me mom was calling me. I went back to check on her again. She was laying in bed, it seemed she was trying to wake up. She told me to help her into the bathroom, she was hot and wanted to lay on the cool tile floor. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea. I turned on her fan, and her light. She didn't look right to me either. I felt her forhead, and she seemed a little warm. I took her temperature, and it was a little high. By this time, I was having a hard time keeping her awake. She kept going to sleep. Her skin was moist and clammy. I started to get concerned and asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. She told me no, she didn't want to go there. I spent another 30 minutes with her, and I really started to get worried. She couldn't stay awake, and seemed very confused. She said her stomach really hurt. Greg stood there with me the whole time. I made the decision to call 911, I knew something was really wrong, but I didn't know what. While we waited for them to arrive. I tried to get mom dressed. She couldn't stay awake and couldn't help me at all. She was still laying in bed, so I got her dressed as best I could. The ambulance arrived and came back to the room. They checked her vitals, I can't remember what her blood pressure was, but her heart rate was 160 bpm. They told me with her heart rate that high, and her continued falling asleep, they would take her to the ER. I helped them get mom ready to go. I told her I would be there soon. After they left with mom, I called my brother and told him what was going on. Mom and i also baked cookies and made fudge for her neighbors. I made really fast deliveries with these. I then got ready and went to the hospital. When I got there, they were already working on mom. They put a line in her leg to draw blood and run IVs. They also did some other tests. 2 hours later, at 10pm they told me she had an infection in her body, but they didn't know where. They were going to admit her to run IV antibiotics. They told me, mom was really sick. I could tell by the way the Dr acted and the way he talked, it was very serious. I went out and called my brother, told him what was going on, and he then came to the hospital. We stayed until about 12:30 am, and they told us they were just waiting on a room, and would be moving her soon. Mom was laying there, and it was very obvious to us, she was in extreme pain. Mom laid there moaning, and groaning. This was very unlike her normal behavior. After we left, my brother told me he would be up in the morning. We then left. I got home, shaken up a little, but knew she was where she needed to be for the night. I did get a little sleep.

Christmas Morning 2006

I woke up at 8 am. I called the hospital first, and talked to the nurse taking care of mom. She told me mom was awake, and able to talk. She was answering the questions that was asked. She asked me if I wanted to talk to mom, and I told her no, just to please let mom know I would be there soon, that I was getting ready to come and see her. I hung up the phone, called my brother and told him what was going on. He said he would be at the hospital about 10am. I told my husband, I was going to the hospital, to check on mom, find out what she wanted packed, and would be back to make dinner so we could take it to the hospital and eat with mom. I got to the hospital at 8 50 am. I went to moms room. When I walked in, I saw a defibulator. I was really mad about seeing this. I knew mom had a DNR, why was that in there, plus the nurse told me mom was awake, talking a little and getting ready to eat breakfast. There were also about 5 or 6 other people in there, and the only one I recognized was the Dr, and the nurse from moms previous visits. The Dr practically ran over to the door, asked if I was related, I said " yes, I am her daughter" I was already in the room, could see mom, but was starting to get confused as to why all these people were in moms room this early on Christmas morning. The Dr litterally pulled my shirt sleeve when we were in the hallway, the Dr looked at me and said " I'm sorry, your mom just passed away" I started to SCREAM!!! All that would come out of my mouth was NO NO NO NOT TODAY...NO MOM NO MOM NO MOM NO" The nurse was standing right beside me the whole time, and she held me up, my legs were giving out from under me. She held me, and cried with me. She asked if there was anyone she could call for me. I told her no, but I needed to call my brother and my husband. I called my husband first, told him to get to the hospital, that mom was gone. After hanging up with him, I called my brother, told him he needed to get to the hospital NOW, he asked what was wrong, I didn't want to tell him over the phone, but it just came out. Mom was gone. He hung up, and I went back to sit with mom and talk to her. I told her I loved her, How much she meant to me. and told her she got her Christmas wish, she was with dad and grandma again. I promised her I would keep my promises, I would finish college, and I would also make sure Madison would remember her grandma. I told her All I would ask of her at that time was to give my kids, my dad, and grandma a hug and kiss. tell them I love them and miss them very much. I told her she didn't really have a chance to be a grandma here on earth, but she was now a grandma to my kids. She could spoil them all she wanted and spend each day with them until we met again. I know in my heart she is now happy. She isn't in pain anymore. She is happy. Mom joined dad, grandma, and my kids, on a wonderful day, Jesus birthday. What a wonderful gift. Mom NEVER asked for anything for Christmas. That was the first year mom ever asked for anything. It was something I was not able to give her, something only God could provide. As much as I love and miss her, I also feel a little peace knowing that her one and only Christmas wish was granted.

2 more days......

2007-12-23T11:50:00.001-05:00

Christmas shopping is finally done. Now I have to wrap everything. I have to go to the grocery store sometime today. I want to bake cookies and get things for out Christmas dinner. Yesterday when I went out, the crowds weren't that bad, well as bad as I thought they would be anyhow. I even made sure our precious dog, Dakota, will have a good Christmas. I got him a new toy and some special treats. I had to put him outside while I put his bag up, or he would for sure start begging for the said items. I am excited for Christmas, yet I feel a little guilty about that. I don't completely understand it though. Later today I am going to try to post a few pictures of some of my most treasured Christmas decorations. I am keeping it short this time, I need a shower and to get motivated a little. Its almost noon and I am still in my pj's.

Time is moving so fast.....

2007-12-22T09:33:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it is almost Christmas. I haven't even really started my shopping. I have 2 small gifts for Greg, and thats it. I still have my brother, sister in law, niece, and a few friends to buy for. I haven't started baking cookies yet either. My house looks like a tornado went through. I will go out shopping tonight while Greg is at bowling. Tomorrow I will clean house and bake cookies. We were suppose to go to my brothers house, but they are sick so that has been postponed until next week hopefully. I haven't seen them in 3 months so it is hard not being able to visit with them.

I got my grades back for the semester, 1 A and 1 B. not to bad really, but I prefer all A's with the amount of work I had to put into the class. I am suppose to start my internship in the spring, didn't know how much paperwork was involved though, now just praying it all works out. I am looking to do the internship at one of the state prisons near where I live. I will be dealing with the children who are there. I don't know how i am going to react to this, or even if I want to accept it. I know they are there for serious crimes and it just breaks my heart.

I also want to go to the cemetery sometime soon, I want to put wreaths on mom and dads grave. It is so hard to believe dad has been gone 3 years, at times it seems like last week, while other times it feels like a lot longer. Mom will be gone one year on Christmas morning, again it seems just like yesterday most of the time. Last Christmas is basically a blur. I only remember bits and pieces. All I remember is when I walked in her room, was pulled out by the Dr. Then screaming. Called hubby and brother, and waited what seemed like forever for them to get there. Next thing I remember we were at the condo, brother left, Greg and I sat in a daze most of the day. had a bowl of cereal for dinner, opened gifts with tears running down our faces.

Going through this year I have done a lot of personal soul searching. I have been through so much, yet I feel stronger in some ways and weaker in other ways. I think I have aged 10 years in the past 12 months, and trust me I have the grey hair to show for it.

To all my friends and family and readers... Remember as we gather to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. Hold your loved ones close, cherish the memories you will be making with each other. Christmas is not about the gifts under the tree, the food you eat, the cookies you consume. It is about family and being together. That is the best gift anyone can get. the gift of time with family. I urge each and everyone of you, this year, set an extra place or two at the Christmas table... call someone you know who doesn't have family or are unable to be with their family this year, invite them over to spend the holiday with you. It will be a blessing not only to the person, but to yourself as well.

My husband and I started this many years ago. On each holiday we invite people over who we know doesn't have family in the area, or their families are estranged. We open our home and our hearts to them. I take lots of pictures, we eat lots of food. Spend time together. It not only makes their day brighter, but the pure joy we receive is not measurable. It is truly a blessing for us to spend time with our friends, who may otherwise be sitting at home alone on Christmas day. The day is always filled with laughter, tears, a very special day as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

Dreams

2007-12-19T12:09:00.001-05:00

I had a very real dream last night. I want to write it down so I don't forget it. It was so real, I woke up feeling so at peace, something I haven't felt for a very long time.

I was talking to a friend of the families, about missing my mom. I miss dad also, but moms death has been extremely hard on me. While we were talking, mom walked around the corner. During the dream the family friend didn't know mom passed away and I just couldn't remember the day she passed away.( how can I ever forget mom passed on Christmas morning?) Anyhow mom came around and I was SHOCKED, She started talking, saying she was happy, and she was with dad and grandma again. She wasn't in pain anymore. She told me she didn't die, but she was always with me. I told her she was going to be a grandmother again, and she told me she knew, that she and dad picked out the child. I asked her if it is a boy or girl. She told me what it was. ( I am not going to say what she told me, I want to see if it is right) I told her how much I love her and miss her. I also told her I needed to go Christmas shopping that I haven't started yet.lol I wanted her to go shopping with me like she used to. We had so much fun when we shopped together, talking about the items we picked out and how we thought the receipiant would react. This year is really hard on us, we don't have a lot of money to work with. But I was reassured that the items I do get will be perfect. I told mom again I missed her and how much I love her, She told me she loved me to and that she and dad are always with me. She then disappeared and I woke up.

I have been really worried about mom, hoping she is happy. Mom suffered from deep depression among all the other medical problems. I am so glad I had this dream and mom was able to visit me.

Lazy Weekends

2007-12-16T10:09:00.000-05:00

Friday night was my husbands Christmas party. I was the designated driver for the evening. I must say, this was the worse one I have been to. The place it was held, the food was horrible ( at least the little I got). They ran out of a lot of food before even half of the people were able to get plates. The DJ was totally horrible. If people weren't on the dance floor soon enough, he would stop playing a song and start another song, never mind if people were just listening to the music, or were even on their way to the dance floor. After the party, we went to a local Country music bar. I wasn't feeling well at all. Saturday morning I woke up, I couldn't do anything all day. I was miserable. I was so sick all day. All I could do was lay around. I was suppose to meet with my best friend and her son and go to a Christmas party for his daycare, but wasn't even able to do that. I did sleep a lot yesterday also. Today I feel a lot better. I have so much work to do though. I have to clean house, wash clothes, and all that other fun stuff.

There was an article in the newspaper about the memorial service I went to on Thursday night http://www.fredericknewspost.com/sections/news/display.htm?StoryID=68837

I do want to add something about the wonderful man I am married to. He is such an amazing husband. He is my best friend. He knew I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and he was amazing. Rubbing my back at times, telling me he loved me. I am sitting here writing this blog, just watching him sleep. He amazes me in so many ways each and everyday. When we got married, I didn't think I could be anymore in love with him as I was that day 16, almost 17 years ago. Little did I know then, I am more in love with him each and everyday. Now I am not saying he is perfect, because I know there isn't anyone who is perfect. He does have his flaws. I do to. He is such a loving, kind, gentle, and most understanding man I know. I fall more in love with him each and everyday. Now to find something for him, as a Christmas present, that I have money for, to show him how much he truly means to me. His BIG gift will come on Valentines Day. ( that is when we buy more for each other, the prices are lower, and its tax time so we have the money)

memorial for mom and dad

2007-12-13T16:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight at 7 pm is the memorial service for families who have lost children. They are doing a memorial at the begining for grandma, dad and mom. This is the memorial I have prepared for them

Good Evening. My name is Veronica Scott 17 years ago my father organized the first interfaith memorial service. Some of you may already know the story, but for those who are attending for the first time, I would like to share this. There was a lady my father worked with, who lost her son. She asked my father if he knew of anyplace that held a memorial service for families who have lost children. Dad did a lot of research and couldn’t find any. He decided to organize one. He made all the preparations, and the first service was held the second Thursday in December of 1990. There were about 20 people in attendance. My mom and grandmother baked cookies, made cakes, and took care of all the refreshments. In 2004 dad was diagnosed with cancer. One of dads final wishes was to insure that this service would continue. He passed away Sept. 8 2004. Grandma passed away December 14, 2004 due to complications related to diabetes. Last year, a week before Christmas, mom and I were having one of our many conversations about how we missed dad and grandma. She then told me all she wanted for Christmas was to be reunited with them. Christmas eve I had to call the ambulance for mom, she wasn’t feeling well, and I could tell something was seriously wrong. After spending many hours at the hospital, they decided to admit her. Christmas morning at around 830 my mother received her final Christmas wish. She was welcomed into heaven. She was reunited with my father and her mother. I would like to share a poem with you all tonight
Message From the Bridge. Author Unknown.
To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say,
But first of all, to let you know that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from the Rainbow Bridge.
Here I dwell with God above,
Here there are no more tears of sadness; there is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight,
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.
It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family they'll be here later on.
I need you badly, you are part of My plan,
There's so much we have to do To help our mortal man."
God gave me a list of things that He wished for me to do,
And foremost on the list was to watch and care for you,
And when you lie in bed at night the days chores put to flight,
God and I are close to you in the middle of the night.
When you think of life on earth and all those loving years,
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears,
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain,
Remember there could be no flowers, unless there could be some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned,
If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth in over,
Now, more than ever before my life to you is closer.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb,
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too,
That as you give the world, the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
Then you can say to God at night and "my day was not in vain."
And now I am contented that my life was worth while,
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
Lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street and you've got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when it's time for you to go, from your body to be free,
Remember you're not going. You're coming here to me.

Grandma, and dad, I love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of you. Mom, I love you and miss you more than words can say when you died, a part of me went with you, I lost not only my parents, but also my best friends.

GREAT NEWS!!!

2007-12-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

I am going to be an aunt again. I am so happy. The baby is due in May. Will write more later

Monday Madness

2007-12-10T22:47:00.000-05:00

If one thing went wrong today, everything went wrong. I had a Drs appointment today to adjust my medication. I went and sold my books back to the college bookstore. Then I had to get ready for work. It was a typical Monday. Lots of work. Lots of people called in. A lady I work with started runner her mouth, I am shocked i didn't loose my temper.This is not a good time for me, my nerves are on edge. Another lady started talking to me, trying to get me calmed down, I was in tears talking to her.

My brother and I are trying to get together for Christmas, but that doesn't look like it is going to happen. I know he is married, and his wifes family all get together for the holidays, but I was really looking forward to seeing them on Christmas eve. I got an email from him this morning, saying they are going to his inlaws house now on Christmas eve. They are going to see them all day both days. My brother is really the only family I have left, yet I feel I am being cheated on seeing them and my niece. I haven't seen them in 3 months. I fear now, my niece will grow up not knowing who I am. They live about an hour away, so we do have to plan on visiting. I just dont know what to do. Should i approach him or email him and tell him how i feel? How would I word it? Should I just let it go?
Christmas will be 1 year since mom passed away, I really feel I need to be with them this year. I know that isn't going to happen now and I am so hurt and so upset. I just don't know.

On another note, I am done the semester at college finally. I am just waiting on my grades. I have my internship in the spring and then I will get my degree.

the Spirit of Christmas

2007-12-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well i finally decided to decorate for Christmas. I put the tree up yesturday, now I have to do the rest of the decorations. I wanted to get lights outside, but my luck, it is raining and cold out. I am starting to think I should put the lights up in August, when its not so cold, but then again the neighbors would think I totally lost my mind.

Today is my dads birthday, he would have been 60 years old. In honor of this day I want to share a little bit more about him.

I was always daddys little girl. If he went to the store, I was right there with him. When I was playing softball or basketball, I don't remember him ever missing a game. In high school I played on the church team, we needed a coach, I volunteered him, and we had a wonderful time. He wasn't angry or upset either. When my brother and I were outside, he was usually right out there with us, spending time together, playing with us. In todays society you don't see this at usually. We thought it was so cool that dad would want to play with us, knowing he had other things we knew he wanted to do, but not him, He always wanted to be outside with us. He gave us so many wonderful memories.

I remember dad would help Santa Claus, by coming to visit. Everyone would sit on Santas lap, telling him what we wanted. After the kids told santa, he asked if anyone else wanted to sit and talk to Santa. My mom told Santa all she wanted was a kiss from Santa himself. Santa said that would be fine...... My mother kissed Santa..... I still remember it like it was just last year. I got so angry. I started crying and yelling at my mom. How could she do this? I told her " I am telling my daddy!!!" I even had proof, someone took a picture of my mommy kissing santa Claus. I still have that picture. He would also help Santa by visiting other kids houses who couldn't get out to see Santa. We would often visit with the family, and Santa ALWAYS had a special gift in his bag for everyone in the family.

One of my fondest memories of dad is how unselfish he was. Even after my brother and I were grown and married.. kids in the neighborhood still always came to visit him. They would sit and talk, color, or whatever the kid wanted to do. Dad always had a drink and a snack ready for all those who showed up. If one of them missed the bus, dad would take them to school. Dads best accomplishment is the Interfaith Memorial for Deceased Children. He started it 17 years ago. Someone he worked with, lost their son, she talked to dad, asking if he knew of a memorial service geared to families who have lost children. Dad looked all around, and couldn't find one. He then started organizing one. It is always held on the second Thursday of December. He loved being able to provide this service to the community. I remember watching him do all the preparations, sending out information to people, writing the childs name on the ornaments for the tree, ordering, picking up and polishing the keepsake memorial the families would receive their first year there. Making sure the food for afterward was taken care of. He would start all the preparation right before Christmas, working on it all year long, and I can remember he wouldn't finish everything until right before the service would start. From September until the service, that is all dad would work on. I would always look forward to the service because I could see how much it meant to the families who would come. There are some families who have been there from the very first year. The first year, the refreshments could be carried in 2 plastic bags, I think there were 17 people attending. Now it is mind blowing the number are almost 300 people. Talking to the families, knowing what the service means to them, I am just as proud today as I was 17 years ago, even more so now really. Dad reached out and provided something to so many other people, something so desperately needed, yet was not available at the time.

Random facts about dad
date of birth 12-9-47
Date of death 9-8-2004
favorite color blue
favorite movie fiddler on the roof, or any musical
occupation nurse at a state run mental hospital
siblings 2 brothers 1 sister
favorite pastime watching baseball.... he loved the Baltimore Orioles
other accomplishments he was a volunteer firefighter, working on the ambulance he also played in a band, that opened for Conway Twitty ( even had his saxaphone autographed), raised 2 children, hosted countless pizza parties at home for all neighborhood kids.

Happy Birthday Dad I love you and miss you so much.

Below is a picture of mom and dad, taken July 2004

Introduction

2007-12-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

I am a 34 year old female. I have been married for 16 years. My husband and I do not have any children right now, but we dream of the day we will become parents. We have gone through fertility treatments including IVF. The pregnancy of triplets ended in miscarriage on May 17, 2002 ( 2 girls, Katrina Renee and Alisha Nichole) and May 19th 2002 ( a boy, Greg JR). I am currently in college majoring in Human Services. I will get my degree on May 17, 2008. After I get my degree is when we plan on looking into adoption further. We have looked a little, but nothing to serious yet. I do have a brother and sister in law, who after almost 10 years of trying, have a beautiful little girl. Both of my parents are deceased. My father passed away on Sept. 8, 2004 due to cancer. My Mother passed on December 25, 2006 ( yes Christmas morning) due to pancreatitis and other long time illness. Although mom had many health issues, her passing was very unexpected. Well I have a final exam for one college class in the morning, so I will close for now. Will post more soon.